Daughters of Tomorrow

2012-01-27T22:08:00.000+10:00

I wanted to write about the rain yesterday..It was too painful..
So here it is..

As a child.. I spend hours watching the rain..I was not allowed to play in the rain. There was this notion that rain made you sick and I was forbidden to play in the rain.

Chengannur house had a parapet around the veranda..it was painted red..bright red.
Ammachi would lean against the wall and stretch her legs on the parapet. My favourite place was to lean on the pillar that formed the entrance arch. I did dream of inheriting the house one day and getting ammachi's place on the parapet!!
The parapet had so many tiny cracks on the top..I loved to see if there is any pattern..anything that I can use to link those cracks. I imagined those cracks to be roads..highways..sometimes I thought they were the rivers..It was nice to feel the crack with the tip of my fingers and follow them to the end..to imagine that, the world ended where my fingers ended.

When it rained the water would start dripping from the roof..form a water curtain..you can sit on the parapet wall and swing your leg back and forth to break..distort..destroy the curtain..but the moment you take your leg away, the curtain comes right back .. as if nothing happened.

There was a huge mango tree.. ( the same tree I climbed and was beaten and bitten! I am sure I wrote about that episode) right in front of the house. Except when the wind was really strong, the tree stood practically still..as though someone was playing 'statue' and forgot to say 'over'

Then there is nadumuttam ( no correct translation, courtyard?) framed by two coffee plants..I don't remember when coffee bloomed.. but every now and then when I went home,I would find the plants laden with red berries..Coffee plants were the hippies..they danced even with the slightest sign of wind.

Beyond the naadumuttam is the parambu with all the assorted thengu and mavu (coconut and mangoe trees)
Beyond the parambu is the kandam (paddy fields)
On the other side of the paddy fields was a neighbour's house..(You can't see the house sitting on the parapet wall..but in the night, there always used to be one solitary light outside that house..the only sign that you are really not alone!
On a rainy day.. I sit on the parapet wall and watch the rain..but there was only so far you could see..it wasn't endless..

But that day..in Madras.. sitting with him..sharing the warmth..the heady smell of kouros..and watching the rain.. the view was endless..
nokkethatha doorathu..kannum nattu irunnu

No regrets..none..whatsoever

2012-01-25T22:58:00.000+10:00

I remember the morning rounds..
Seeing you at the hospital as soon as the morning rounds started was a surprise..especially because, had the prof seen you..you would have been in big trouble..you were wearing your favourite Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sandals..not following the hospital dress code!! ( and obviously not planning to attend the clinics)
I remember the excitement of sneaking out.. ( and the logistics involved in getting a leave of absence)
The thing with you was... you never told me in advance where we were going..
It was always impromptu.
That trip was to Madras..I can't remember what train we took..It was one of those fast trains..
I can't remember if we had anything to eat.. We would have had something to eat...and you must have had tea.. you loved drinking tea.
All I remember is laying down on your lap..and trying (pretending) so hard to read my book.. There were not many people in the train..and those that were, not very pleased to see us being together..and they kept giving us the 'look'.
I should remember the book I was reading.. I don't..
But I can still remember the smell of your cologne.. Kouros..
We reached Madras just as the sun was setting..
It was raining..( that wasn't part of your plan)
But you didn't come all the way to Madras to be defeated by the rain..
So we went..
to Marina beach..
We watched the rain..huddled underneath the statue of Vivekananda..soaked to the bone..
Till then.. for me.. rain was always something I listened to..
the dried leaves on the ground rustling and dancing in the wind..(announcing the impending rain)
wind whistling through the casuarina tree branches..
rain pitter pattering on the roof..
roll of thunder..
my grandmother frying dried tapioca chips..she always tapped the side of the wok with her spatula each time she stirred the chips in the hot oil....swish swish swish and a tap..

But sitting with you..that evening..I saw a different rain..

Your beautiful eyes sparkled..and you held me in your arms and asked me to close my eyes and imagine the ocean before the storm..I imagined a postcard beach..clear blue sky..green palm trees ( may be coconut trees) white surf..and soft beach sand..foot prints..little kids..families..happiness..
Then I opened my eyes..
There were just the two of us..and the ocean was an angry monster..everything around me was painted gray..and yet my heart..it was filled to the brim..with the colours of the rainbow..

I still go to the beach when it rains..

2012-01-24T10:21:00.002+10:00

Yesterday I made coconut dosai for dinner..
I have been searching for the recipe for years.. I found the recipe here
It didn't taste like what I had hoped for..
Nevertheless.. I was happy..

Cooking is like teleporting.. I can recreate the past..moment by moment....

Years ago, while searching for the Anjaneya temple ( legend says it was built by Arjuna) we got lost. We stopped by one of the halli (village) to ask for direction.

Modified Yamaha 350 cc bike, Naga rider and a Mallu pillion rider..short hair..jeans..epitome of modern woman..more than enough to pique the curiosity of the villagers.
and the fact that we were medical students elevated our status even further.

We were invited to the village chief's house for a meal...
The living room was small and dark..
I don't like dark places..I always felt the darkness in the room kind of close in on me and it feels like I am suffocating.
He knew that..
By choosing to sit outside on the veranda..he knew he was going to be the center of attraction..what with the whole village waiting outside to catch a glimpse of him..He still asked if we could sit outside..
We sat on the wooden bench outside..I can still see him sitting on that bench.. wearing my favourite red check shirt..( it took a while to find the perfect red check shirt , but I found it)..wiping the sweat off his forehead..enjoying a simple meal..Coconut dosai and chutney..
Dosai was very soft and spongy..chutney was very hot..
He didn't eat the chutney..much to the amusement of the chief.. that there are people in India who don't eat spicy food!

Yesterday was also the first day of Chinese New Year.
Year of the dragon..
Of all the animals in the chines Zodiac.. I love dragons....I collect dragon stories.. I buy dragon tshirts for my son..( poor kid)
1988 was a year of the dragon..Two things happened.. I got admission to do medicine..and I found true love..
(Year 2000.. I finished my master's degree..and my son was born..)

It is that time of the year..nearly end of January..Uni exams starts in the 2nd week of Jan..practicals begin in the 3rd week and end 4th week..
I don't know the date.
I don't want to know the date.
But I know this..
I know..
that I was loved..
that there was someone who cared..who knew every one of my likes and dislikes..
Who loved me for what I am..

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

Dylan Thomas

My first home

2012-01-20T09:01:00.001+10:00

My first home.. At that time the house was on stills. I used to park my car underneath the house. The new owners have made it in to a 2 storey..

I was told that the house was haunted. But the view was magnificent ( facing mount Kinabalu) and there was a creek at the back of the house. I felt I could live with the ghosts if it meant that I can see Mount Kinabalu each morning and can listen to the soothing sound of water flowing in the creek. The house then had white walls and blue trim. ( the original door is still there). I never locked the door..There wan't any need to..

I spend hours sitting in the balcony on a rickety old cane chair..watching the clouds and Mount Kinabalu playing hide and seek..

The avocado tree I planted..

I had a clothes line here..and once found a big huge giant snake when I came down to hang the clothes..though for all intents and purposes I am methran Thambi's grand daughter, when it comes to snakes.. I am not so..From that day onwards, I hung the clothes upstairs on the balcony railings. There were also few bushes of wild roses..they smelled divine..I wanted to pluck the flowers, but because of my friend, the snake, I was too scared to go anywhere near the rose plants.. and I told myself..the flowers look pretty on the plant!!! ( much similar to the fox and the sour grapes)

Tong Hing

2012-01-19T11:16:00.000+10:00

Tong Hing Supermarket.

I don't know how old is Tong Hing supermarket. In those days ( of the British), Tong Hing was the only (decent)grocery shop in KK and people used to drive all the way from Kota Belud ( 7 hours drive on gravel/mud roads! one way) to buy stuff from Tong Hing.

I loved going to Tong Hing. In those days (early to mid 90's), all the pastries were sold at half price at 9 pm..and I remember loading up the tray and staring at the clock and waiting.. and on the dot of 9..I was the happiest person on earth..( Usually before going to Tong Hing, I would call my friends and ask if anyone wanteds any pastry, likewise my friends would do the same..The excitement of buying pastries at half price was one thing we all lived for !)

I also bought my first doughnut cutter from Tong Hing. it was made of brass and it costs me 7 RM. The excitement of making my own doughnuts..and that too with extra cinnamon sugar..the joy.. sitting down on the steps..looking at Mount Kinabalu..with a book in my hand and a plateful of doughnuts by my side!

I remember gawping at all the Jacob Creek wine bottles..Wine from far away land..Australia was then a dream..I couldn't afford to buy the wine then..only dream..

Tong Hing has changed so much.. They no longer cater to the oridary mortals..They only sell premium products..It was odd to see all the Australian Biscuits, jams etc on the shelves..( And I was looking for Kiang Hing cookies..the little buttons with green, pink and yellow frostings..I only liked to eat the frosting!! and white rabbit candies!!)

They still sell Jacob Creek wine..now that I could afford to buy them, the pishukki ( stingy) in me reared her ugly head and reminded me that I can buy the same wine for a fraction of the cost in Australia!!!

Grafitti..
This used to be the old JKR building..demolished and making way for the new monster??
In Malaysia, where everything that you do..from the length of your hair ( boys in govt school) to how you dress is controlled by the govt.. it was a rare sight to see grafitti..

The faces in the crowd??

Another school year

2012-01-18T11:00:00.000+10:00

School will reopen next Monday after two months of summer holidays..

Yaya will be in grade 9, toothless in grade 7 and baby in grade 5..

In 4 years my oldest child will graduate from high school, and my youngest will be in grade 9..

How fast time flies..

I wish I could live my life as a mother in slow motion..instead of this 'blur' where years seems to disappear in to some sort of black hole..

Last school year two things happened that I am very proud of..
Baby got high distinction for ICAS writing..until last year, all three of them always got distinction for writing..and my youngest is very competitive when it comes to her siblings..So it was a big deal for her to get a high distinction when her siblings only got a distinction..You should have seen the big grin on her face..

Yaya got a C for maths in the third term..and she worked really hard in the fourth term to make sure that she got an A..which she did..and by doing that she ensured that her overall score for the final report for maths was B.. ( When she got the C, her friends advised her not to tell her mother and Yaya told me that even though her friends advised her not to tell me, she is still letting me know because she felt it would be wrong to lie to me )

When I was little, the day before school reopened, Amma would wrap all my books with brown paper, write my name on the label..I looked forward to getting Amma to write my name on the label..because she has the most beautiful handwriting..
I also spend considerable amount of time going from shop to shop to collect name labels..How exciting it was to buy Balarama or Poompatta that came with free name labels..( and the sadness of having to share them with my sisters!)

Last time I took kids to India, we went to Vega land..and along with the admission ticket, I was given some name labels..that too sticker labels.. I was so excited..I divided the name labels equally and gave to my children and they looked at me puzzled and asked what do we use them for? ( ente helium balloonte kattu poyinnu micham!!)

Kids did all their back to school shopping at Donggongon market..Much to the surprise to all my friends whose kids would rather die than be caught shopping at the local market..
Yaya bought 4 Levi jeans ( all fake) and she is so happy..
Baby got 2 pairs of converse shoes ( fake!)
My son got a diesel school bag ( fake la)
Few billabong tshirs, adidas tshirs..Nike hats..all together I spend 400RM..and I have three very happy children and they have one very happy mother!

As for the future..Yaya wants to join Harvard academy for international and area studies, my son wants to join the mathematics dept at Princeton..and my baby wants to study in Columbia University.

Will they? Time will tell..

Satori...

2012-01-17T09:45:00.000+10:00

How do I explain Satori??
Read on, You might get it..

I was driving back to KK from Sandakan. My youngest decided to travel in my friend's car. She talks nonstop. Yaya and toothless thinks she suffers from a serious case of verbal diarrhoea.

That day for breakfast, we had roti canai in a Mamak shop ( Indian Muslim). On the table there was this little round pot that looks like a tea pot filled with water which sits on a container base with tiny holes . Instead of walking to the washbasin, you lift the pot, wash the hands and the water gets collected in to the container at the bottom..all good..
My children loved the pot and they washed their hands very well.. much to the amusement of all the annais who work there.
My friend's wife is half Kadazan and half Filipino ( in that half Filipino, she is one quarter pure Spanish and one quarter pure Filipino!..).. and she speaks fluent Tamil..the annais were even more amused..
The restaurant has two sections. One half is air conditioned.. we were sitting in the non air conditioned area.
All of a sudden four big four wheel drives came one after the other and blocked the road in front of the restaurant..and guys in military fatigue, holding guns jumped out..After a few minutes, this dude in blue safari suit ( really) who is half my size, and the suit was few sizes too big..came out from one of the cars that was parked far away from where our Military guys are standing ( no where near the road block, because there was no parking place) with their guns and walked alone to the air conditioned area of the restaurant.One of the annai's at the restaurant pointed him out and told us that is the VIP.. As he reached the door of the restaurant, the men in uniform did what Obama's secret service do. stood steady like a vadi (stick)Looked left and right couple of times!! As soon as our VIP entered the shop, all the men in uniform ( all of them) came and sat down in our section of the restaurant to eat breakfast. It was so funny..the show..This can only happen in Malaysia.. if anyone wanted to kill our VIP, they could have done it at any time.. so obviously the whole scene was for show..
My son was so amused, he wanted to ask the guys if the guns were real!!

We decided to drive to KK after breakfast..I am comfortable if I am driving over 100km..mostly because I am alert. Anything below 100..especially at 80km, I am a bored driver..and with the in house chatter box's absence, it was even more boring. Yaya was reading. My son was playing games on my phone..
My life in general can be described as organized..
In Australia, I live in a house that is although different from the rest of the houses in the street, still shares some uniformity with the rest of the houses..Streets are well designed..It is like a lego town.. all perfect..
Compare that to the houses in KK..some are as big as the white house..some are falling apart.. none has been constructed following any standard. There is no uniformity..in anything..

For lunch we stopped by the KFC.. We were planning to eat Chinese food and everyone wanted to use the washroom..no one wanted to use the Chinese shop washroom..So we went to the KFC to use the washroom..and then kids decided they wanted to eat KFC. ( Both toothless and Yaya remembered the times I used to take them to KFC when we were staying in KL).
There were 16 staff manning the counter.. Really. I counted. I waited 15 minutes in the line..Because my English might have a bit of accent, I chose to order in Malay..to avoid further delay and confusion.. I was attended to by a very sweet Malay girl wearing tudong.. I asked her in Malay what 'comes' in the family bucket in simple malay so it won't confuse her..she asked me to wait. She went and asked her friend, who asked her friend..by then Yaya read the menu and told me it comes with 6 pieces of chicken ( I couldn't read the menu..because I am blind as a bat!) I decided not to ask any more questions and just order.. ( It is still cheaper when you convert to Aussie $). She parroted each item I ordered.
Satu colonel burger, I said
Satu colonel burger yeah, she parroted.
But she didn't punch in anything.. so I thought she might be memorizing..
After we went through ordering the food for my friend and his family and my children..she asked me to repeat my order again..so she could now punch the order in to her precious machine..( I am vegetarian, I had to buy the food for everyone and then go out, look for something vegetarian for me.. and I was hungry..) Most of the fast food chains in Australia..will have max of three people working at the counter and it will take you less than 7 minutes to order and get your food..
Patience is not one of my virtues.. yet I stood there..not getting angry..it was my home..and I am used to the idiosyncrasies that makes Malaysia truly what it is..a great place to live..a place I want to go back..

After lunch we continued our drive back to KK..there were not many cars on the road..and I was listening to Bali spa..On the first day, even though I had my friend's car, I couldn't drive..and we took a taxi driven by a very crabby Chinese guy to go around KK, so I could remember the roads and drive around the next day....and the taxi driver was playing a very unusual music CD. I asked him what music it is.. he passed the CD cover to me.. Bali Spa and I told him it is very nice. When he dropped me to the destination, he took the cd out of the player, put it in the case and gave it to me..I told him, I don't want it, I will buy it when I go back home.. Did I tell you he was a very crabby old man at the beginning of the journey? He smiled...insisted that the CD was very cheap.. I liked it..and I have to take it. He refused to accept money for the CD. I don't even know his name and didn't even get a chance to say proper thanks because he already had another passenger waiting impatiently for me to get out of the cab..

Music was soothing.. the drive was boring..we were passing through oil palm estates..the scenery was the same..oil palms with fern undergrowth's..light green moss covered ground and dark green foliage of the oil palm in the top.. deep blue sky ahead in the horizon..
Then out of no where..a little voice said in my head

"Rakshapettathu bhagyam"

My moment of satori..
it is a Japanese word often used in Buddhism..the word describes an understanding...enlightenment.. that lifts you up..from wherever you are and shows you things that are right in front of you..
I was told years ago..that you have truly mastered a language when you think in that language. I am not saying that I mastered english.. but I think in English..not in Malayalam.. and there is no correct word to translate those two words in to English.. The closest will be "lucky escape/miraculous escape".. But those two words..they showed me things that I refused to see..

Rakshapettathu..bhagyam..I think so..

Birthdays...

2012-01-16T09:39:00.000+10:00

When Yaya was turning 4 years old, she wanted a Donald duck cake.. I was expecting my youngest child and it was a very difficult preganancy. I couldn't bake the cake for her. So I took her and her brother to the bakery and she chose the cake that she wanted. Before we left the bakery, she insisted that I must buy a small cake for her brother so he also gets to blow out the candle..and I did.

Now Yaya is 13, toothless will be 12 soon and baby just turned 10..
Poor baby.. she gets the most awesome Christmas gifts and each year, her siblings and I promise ourselves that next year we will buy her birthday gift first and then look for the Christmas gifts..and each year, the day before her birthday..her siblings and I run helter skelter trying to find something..anything..that we can buy as a birthday gift..
Ideally, when you are desperate, you buy anything..but not Yaya and Toothless..They insisted that whatever we buy..it has to pass their standard..because it is for their baby sister.. So I left baby with my friends and went shopping..We went to every shopping mall...
Baby needed a new watch..How hard it is to buy a new watch? If the colour was right, then the dial was too big..or the pattern was all wrong.. We searched for the perfect watch..from 10 in the morning till 3..finally they found the perfect watch..We also bought Ben 10 pencil case ( recently there was a Ben 10 live show in Brisbane and I took baby to watch it.. She was the only girl..the rest were boys between the age of 4 and 7!!) a treasure chest ( baby loves collecting stuff for her memory box and every other year, we buy her a new treasure chest) a boom box and a box of chocolate..
It is our tradition that we decorate the house/tent/hotel room the night before the birthday, so in the morning the birthday child wakes up to a surprise..and we searched everywhere for balloons and streamers..All we managed to get were the paper pineapples ( Chinese NY).
I was tired after all the 8 hours of driving and then the whole day of shopping. So I went to bed after wrapping the gifts and hanging the pineapples from the ceiling.. Yaya and toothless were reading their books when I went to bed.
I was a bit sad that we couldn't get proper birthday gifts for my darling and couldn't even decorate the room for her..
I woke up to find..a huge message on the wall..Yaya and toothless used my Swiss knife, cut individual letters out of the wrapping paper..and wrote " Happy birthday baby..you are the best sister on earth"
I felt my heart would explode..and somewhere at the very bottom of my heart..there was a tinge of envy..if only I had siblings like these..

My children are not angels.. they fight with each other all the time. ( No physical fights, I will not allow physical fights )
In the last few days..Every time my son passes Yaya's room.. he roars like a lion....which drives Yaya insane...and because it is a free world we are living in and he has the right to make any sound he wants to.... his act will go on till Yaya finds something to counter act.... i am waiting to see what she is going to do..

Help

2012-01-15T08:31:00.002+10:00

Uppumanga..
I found raw green mangoes ( not that I am any good at identifying the type of mango..but it does look like kilichundan mangga and tell you what?? you can sail a boat in my mouth as I dream of eating uppumanga)
Ammachi used to make uppumanga with small green ones..The ones I found are not that small and I was wondering if I can quarter the mangoes and still make uppumanga? ( It is still brining the mangoes and I think it should be ok..has anyone tried it?)

At the risk of sounding too much Ash poosh..
I also found unakka kappa ..and ...how do I cook it?? Do I soak it first and then boil and add all the ingredients? ( I know it is a sad day for mankind.. that I, grand daughter of famous Methran Thambi doesn't know how to cook Unakka kappa)

Jeff Buckley

2012-01-14T21:41:00.000+10:00

No, I haven't found religion..
Heard this song on Criminal minds few days ago and have been searching ever since..

Bon Jovi's version

My home..

2012-01-14T09:16:00.000+10:00

Nah tusin.. often sung when there is a village gathering and Tapai( rice wine) is served.

Magunatip dance

Sandakan

2012-01-13T10:10:00.000+10:00

I wanted to take my children to Sandakan for two reasons. One was to show them their relatives and the other was to teach them about the Sandakan death march.
Upon hearing my plans to drive to Sandakan, a friend insisted that he is coming along in his car with his family and I am to follow him in my car..
Ok, I accept..In my youth, I was a rather reckless driver..in those days in Sabah as it still is, there were no cops with speed cams, there were hardly any cars on the road and being young with my youthful freedom and don't care attitude..I crashed my car..once.. and no one has forgotten..
For the record, it wasn't my fault. Yes I know every driver who crash their car tells you the same. But seriously, it wasn't my fault. There was a sudden depression in the road right after a crest( I saw it too late) and my car travelling at 100km ( may be a little more than 100 KM, definitely less than 140) suddenly found itself airborne..
Much as I told my friends that I have changed and I never drive recklessly when I have my kids in the car, no one believed me. So I had to follow my friend..

99.9% of Sabahans don't know how to drive. I don't care about butting in..it is a malady of urbanization and me first mentality. What bothered me so much are the idiots who tried to overtake me before a crest..Thy can't see the vehicle coming from the opposite direction and in the last minute they have only two options..head on crash or swing to the left, where my car is..
I had driven the whole strech from KK to Lahad Datu before I left Sabah and the roads were in in a bad condition. ( actually Indian roads were better). They have repaired the roads a bit.. and it is now better than Indian roads...but still there are stretches that are really dangerous and one wonders where has all the money kept aside for road maintenance gone.. Which Datuk built a new mansion with that money?

We stopped by Kinabalu Naational park..Visitor information center on the 2nd floor is still the same.. There is a time capsule there only to be opened in 2050.. Read the last sentence.."All the items inside are priceless historical collections.."
Really?? Personal belongings of Mahathir and his wife are historical??Since when?
I did find this on google.. Perhaps there was a mistake in actual contents in the box.. Time will tell.

The restaurant inside the visitor center was doing ee aa.. ( my cousin invented this term for certain famous restaurants..ee aa.. stands for eachey attuva ( swatting flies)) The washroom was stinking and my kids wanted to eat Chinese food 'outside', much to the surprise of my friend..who thought my kids having lived outside Malaysia must be missing western food..
So we went to Ranau town.all the old restaurants are still there and we had Chinese food for lunch..

We reached Sandakan by evening..another friend had already booked a place for us at Tang Dynasty..90RM for double bed..nice place..

I didn't want to spend the new year's eve drunk..So kids and I watched the fireworks from our window..We had a great time..
I don't usually make much of a fanfare for new year's resolution.. Hey, you don't need a special day to make resolutions.. you can do it any day..
There is nothing I want to change in my life.
I may not have everything I wanted in my life.. But I have so much more than many.. Years ago..in one of those breakfast show on Doordarshan.. the one with the puppet..there was a quote.."I complained I didn't have shoes, till I met a man without legs" On days I am unhappy.. I think of all the things I have that makes me happy..and life is good..

Kasigui and a lifetime of stories

2012-01-12T12:12:00.001+10:00

My grandmother and my father were great story tellers. Amma has often claimed about reading stories/fairy tales during her lunch break, so she could tell us a new story in the evening when she fed us. I don't remember a single story. I am not saying that amma was lying..I don't have any explanation as to why I don't remember any of the stories purportedly told by Amma, when I can remember every story told to me by others.

I like old people because they have a repertoire of stories and legends, wise from their own experiences while waiting patiently for the end to come with no complaints..
One such old man lived in Kasigui..
I used to meet him most Sunday mornings.He always had a toothless smile..timeless..priceless..each time when he saw me walking in to the restaurant. ..An old kadazan man in his late 70's or 80's and an Indian woman in her early 20's..The regular patrons called me his side kick, for lack of any other explanation for our unusual friendship.
He lived a life worth living..to the fullest..
He like his ancestors worked in the paddy field, grew what he needed . As he became old, he gave the land to his son and sat in the coffee shop..waiting for me..each sunday. He never owned a car or a credit card. He had his land and his land provided what he needed.
Simple life. Extraordinary to the point I envied him. His patience was as high as mount Kinabalu and mine was..what patience?? I never had any.
When he told me a story, I always tried to hurry him, because I always wanted to know how the story ended and he would laugh..each time I pestered him to tell the story fast. ( I didn't have all of sunday to sit in the restaurant and listen to the story. I had other chores to do..sunday was my only free day!)
He told me the story of Huminodun
Huminodun was the only daughter of Kinoingan ( god) and his wife Suminundu.
She was beautiful, intelligent and kind.
Life on earth was good and there was enough huvong ( grain) for everyone.
Then one day there was a massive drought. The rivers ran dry, the grounds parched, trees and grass withered and there were no more huvong.
Kinoingan was worried and Huminodun saw the sadness in her father. She offered herself to be sacrificed..
Her father cleared a large section of the land using his magical power..
Her mother cried and asked Huminodun not to sacrifice herself because she is her only child.
But the lives of people, her father's people were more important than the grief of her mother.
It was said that when her father sacrificed her, great darkness covered the earth, followed by thunder and rain and from each part of Huminodun's body a new plant grew.
http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/85/huminodun2.jpg/sr=1

Huminodun also gave instructions about how to harvest the paddy.
7 stalks of paddy has to be cut first, tied on a bamboo pole and kept in the middle of the field before harvesting. This is followed even to this day..The spirit of Huminodun lives on.. each year in May, Kaamatan festival (harvest festival) is celebrated and Unduk ngadau pageant is part of the festival.

My friend is no more
The restaurant has changed many hands.
The old buildings gave way to new
and I conquered my fear of heights..( only for this time) for my friend..

Moyog river

The bridge..looks solid and constructed well!!

Ha..

Real solid construction

My strength..my son.. walking right behind.. It costs me two Mathew Riley's books to get him not to shake the bridge and not to ask me to walk fast !!

My daughters running on the bridge..fear is not their middle name, only their mother's. See where my youngest is standing!

and yes.. it took a while ..and I survived the walk back..( yes I had to gripe the sides..and took small steps, not once looking down and threatened my son with bodily harm if he as much as attempted to shake the bridge and told him he can say goodbye to the two Mathew Riley's books I already promised on the way to the other side.)

Friends are the little seeds that are planted in your memory..they live on..forever..
His favourite song.

Devi's cafe. Near Promenade apts. Lorong Api Api. KK

2012-01-11T09:59:00.002+10:00

Sense of belonging..
Have you ever felt that you belong somewhere?
I have lived in so many places..
I stuck out like a sore thumb in UK..no doubt there were so many Indians.. even Malayalees where I stayed.. But I was different from all of them. I look different. I dress differently. My priorities were different. I hated having visitors over, especially Malayalees..( You know, the snoopy, gossipy kind) and the only way you belonged is by going for visits and encouraging visits to your home.

It was the same in Canada. I love Canada, but I never felt I belonged there. I lived in a large Indo Candian suburb and again I was so totally out of place. I attempted going to the Mallu church..not because of belief..but because I just wanted to be a part of something..it was not easy. I didn't have any sarees or Salwars..and the look those devotees give you..because I wore a long skirt to church..and my kids didn't speak Malayalam.. I was branded "Ash poosh" and there was a collective decision to avoid me, unless I bucked up and changed!( which was not going to happen and the second week, one faithful devotee and the Achan were practicing kungfu and effectively ended my need to belong!!)

I don't join any Malayalee association..It is a place you join, if you want to show others that you have the latest TV/car etc..or your child can sing or dance the latest song..I refuse to use my children as an extension of my ego. I can't stand the ego trip of the committee members either..So I stay miles away..

But in Malaysia, be it in west Malaysia or east, you always belong. It doesn't matter if you are thin or fat, if you wear saree or shorts, if your hair is purple or green.. you never feel out of place. I have cousins who are Chindians ( Chinese and Indian), Sino Kadazan Indians ( Chinese,Kadazan and Indian parentage).. And during Deepavali, you can see this totally Chinese looking girl wearing salwars and speaking fluent Hokkien and Tamil..and no one gives a second look. They are all part of the cultural fabric that makes Malaysia truly what it is..a multi cultural society..

So the second day of my stay in KK, I took the kids to Devi's cafe in lorong Api Api, ( next door to Promenade Apts). We had one dosai, three roti canai, three ice milo and one teh tarikh. The old lady charged me RM 61..and I paid..
It took me a little while to do the maths..( I was tired, the heat was killing me) I realized the previous day.. 7 of us ate almost similar food for 64 RM..
I called one of my friends and told him what happened.He said, the old lady who owns the shop is well known for ripping off the tourists..
Tourists? Me?
I am a Sabahan. I speak fluent Malay and Tamil ( and passable Kadazan)
How in the world I could be considered for being a tourist?

The anger I felt..mostly because she is a west Malaysian.. and she had the temerity to fleece me..in my own state.( not that her act in West Malaysia will be justified..but she is a visitor to sabah and she is over charging me, a Sabahan..)
I went back to the restaurant..gave a her a piece of my mind..she acted all innocent.. and when I told her that I intend to lodge a complaint..she gave me back the money she over charged..
But I am still upset.. not because I was fleeced by my own kind.. but because my own sense of belonging is a bit shaken..

Kota Kinabalu

2012-01-10T11:08:00.000+10:00

16 years ago, I was living in a house on stills, I owned a 486 dx and my phone was an Atur (Automatic telephone using radio and it weighed a ton). KK airport was a shabby little building and KK town had three main roads. There was Center point and Kinabalu Emporium as shopping malls and Tong Hing was the only decent grocery.
The biggest surprise when I landed in KK this time was the airport. It is huge and all fancy pansy with beautiful facade..( Somehow it is impossible to imagine KK airport as a fancy place)
I was not expecting anyone to come and meet me at the airport.
But then again, friendship is such that you are always surprised. Before leaving Brisbane, I had contacted a friend to help me arrange a rental car for me, least expecting that he would tell everyone that I am coming home. Three of my friends took time off from work to come to the airport to meet me and my kids. One insisted that I take his vehicle instead of wasting money on rental cars.

The first impression of my kids..unanimous..they are just like their mother.. as soon as my friend told me that I must take his vehicle, my son started asking him about the vehicle, the model..etc. My younger one was trying to practice her Selamat Pagi and terima kasi..She greeted everyone who came across her path..and Yaya was reading her book..

My first impression of KK..
Hot..it was so bloody hot and I was hopelessly lost. There were too many bypass roads, too many shopping malls..and the traffic jam was horrendous.. But most off all, I just couldn't drive..I lived in KL for many years and I was used to the chaotic KL traffic, so I thought.
Two lane road had 4 lane of cars and every cm of space in front of my car was apparently a welcome sign in bright neon light for someone else to butt in..It was so frustrating.

We went for Makan at my favourite Indian restaurant. It is still there. It is where we all used to meet on Sunday morning. The 4D shop next door is gone. I had roti canai and teh tarikh. Kids had ais milo ( milo ice), roti canai, dosai and more ais milo. 7 of us..and the bill came to RM 64. ( 21 AUD)

At the time I was leaving KK, Api Api apt had just finished construction. My cousin had bought a unit and I had seen it. It was nice and clean and spacious. So I booked a place to stay there. My friends gave me a kind of look when I told them I was staying at Api Api.
It didn't take too long to find out why.
The place is in real bad shape..
There was dead mice in the corridoor..
The ceiling in the washroom was about to collapse! The toilet seat was broken and was fixed with tie wire!!
I was expecting my kids to complain about the place. They didn't. not a word.
Double bed room for 50RM/night..it was good..if you didn't look at the aesthetic part..

For dinner we went to Chinese shop
We had

Chef's special ( Crab in secret sauce)

Clay pot tofu

Sabah vege in garlic sauce

Deep fried red snapper in Soy sauce

My son's plate at the end of the meal

The bill..including beer, fruit juice, rice, a dish of prawns( can't find the photo) and all of the dishes above..for 4 adults and three kids..191RM (68AUD)

And the biggest surprise of the day..
not the heat
not the shabby apt
not the horrendous traffic
not the blatant destruction of environment
but the one sentence my son told me on our way back to Api Api after dinner..
"Mom, this is home"

Home

2012-01-09T07:51:00.002+10:00

Ha, the word home now is an oxymoron. Let me explain.. I was home the last 2 weeks ( Malaysia) and now am home ( in Brisbane). One can't have two masters and I think therefore I am..sure that home is still Malaysia...
I had the time of my life and there is so much to write about.

First of all

Islam has reared its Ugly head..( for all those Mujahideens who wants my head in a platter, read first before you take up your arms to chop my head )

Sabah..The 13th state of Malaysia..separated from Peninsular Malaysia by a sea..

The population estimated to be 18% Kadazan and Dusuns, 14 % Bajau, 18 % ( rest of the bumiputeras not belonging to the first three groups), 10% Chinese and 12% Malays.
As you can see, Majority of Sabahans are not Muslims.

When I left Sabah 16 years ago, there was a white cross on every hill ( Kadazan belief), most of the government employees were Kadazans or Dusuns, the Donggongon market was full of native traders, there were few Kedai Makan islam..and Tanjung Aru beach was full of Chinese hawkers...

Now..there is a touch of Islam everywhere..Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Islam.. But I do hate it when Islam is forced up on people who have a right to their choice of life as enshrined by the constitution.
Article 153 clearly mentions that
It shall be the responsibility of the Yang di-Pertuan Agong to safeguard the special position of the Malays and natives of any of the States of Sabah and Sarawak and the legitimate interests of other communities in accordance with the provisions of this Article

The constitution is clear about the rights of the natives of Sabah..( not just the muslims of Sabah)

The Tanjung Aru beach, once a bustling place for the people to wind down at the end of the day and have some tasty non halal Chinese food cooked by Chinese is now a Muslim food court and you are forced to eat Chinese food cooked by a Malay..There is even a Surau for the faithful to worship by the side of the food court.
What was wrong with the Chinese shops that were there?
What about the religious belief's of the rest of the people? Where are the Church, Buddhist temple and Hindu temple??
( side note..the beach is now filthy, stinks of sewage and should be a contender for the worst beach on earth..and the new year's paper reported that the govt will be spending millions of dollars to bring Tanjung Aru beach to its old glory..Ha)
The white cross on every hill has disappeared.
The Kadazan girls who used to man the gate at Mount Kinabalu national parks ( and most of the govt offices) has been replaced by tudong clad Malays.
Even the donggongon market food court is taken over by Muslim traders..( and soon they will ensure that non islamic food, products, sellers are pushed out )
and it is a Sad day for Sabah..
If only the politicians could live and let live..but alas..I am sure all they want right now is my head..(for being honest.._
Let us see what are the potential repercusion for this post.
my head
threats on my family and relatives who still live in Malaysia
ISA

such is life...

My war bonnet

2011-12-26T08:55:00.000+10:00

War Bonnet

This is my secret..
Today I woke up early to clean my car. ( so I can wax the car before it gets too hot)..

It was very quiet. The kookaburras that usually laugh to their heart's content every morning were not in session this morning. I don't know where they have gone.Though I must say, I missed their singing and I have often wondered if they are laughing at me because I am up at 5 am to wash and wax my car..( sometimes, I lay down in my hammock and listen to the birds)

I want to be able to say that I am good.. I had a great Christmas, I am going home this evening..
But the truth is..it hurts.. it hurts like hell..

So this is what I want to say..

To you
I promised to love and honour you, accept you for who you are, never ask you to change to please me..
I loved you, even when you broke all the promises you made, even when you manipulated me ( you know that you did and I let you, not because I was weak, but because the love was strong) even after all the lies you said..all the games you played.. all the money you took from me
I kept every one of my promise
I kept every one of my words..

Every native American warrior has a war bonnet..decorated with eagle feathers..He wears his war bonnet with pride.. every feather earned..the hard way.. every feather has a story to tell..
Today, I added another feather to my war bonnet..
I will wear my war bonnet..with pride..cause every feather on my bonnet is earned..every damn feather.

I will survive. It will be hard.. it is hard..but I will..I am still a warrior and with each lemon my life loves to throw at me.. I will drink more tequila's.

What a beautiful day..

2011-12-25T22:26:00.003+10:00

It was supposed to be a hail and rain day..but it wasn't.
Last night kids and I had an awesome Christmas eve dinner.

Santa gave the Yaya a Samsung Galaxy phone..( selfish reason. She never switches on her phone, She is not supposed to use the phone during school hours and is lazy to switch it on after the school is over. I want to be able to call her. Yaya can't read without listening to music and I am hoping she will use the phone as her MP3 player and will switch it on to listen to music.

My son got a proper RC helicopter. When we were in Canada, my son always asked for an RC helicopter and 4 years ago, I bought one as a Christmas present. It was a cheap one ( I was broke). He took it outside to play with it and Yaya asked if she could have a go and he let her..My son and I , we watched the helicopter hovering for a few seconds and then baaam.. she let go the remote..Helicopter didn't withstand the power of gravity..We shed many bitter tears over the broken helicopter..and I have been wanting to buy him a good one.

Baby got a video camera.. She loves making movies ..( I am hoping that I can appoint her as the family photographer..I hate taking pictures and videos)

They also got a Christmas Ornament from me. Each Christmas I buy them a Christmas ornament, so when they leave my home, they can take their share of ornaments. They also got the usual books, clothes and toys from me.

I got a foot spa from my kids as my Christmas gift. ( and 4 free pedicure vouchers from Yaya, 4 free foot massage from my son and 2 special pedicure and 2 special foot massage vouchers from my baby.. special because she has adding extra love and made the vouchers all sparkly and shiny)

This morning we had appam and stew. Then we played blackjack..

In the afternoon, kids asked if we could go for a long drive.. and we did.
We went for off roading..
We found lots of kangaroos ( not wallabies)
There was no other vehicles on the road...
( I did cry, after we reached back home..my car is covered in thick red dust and I have to wash it off tomorrow)
All in all.. a wonderful Christmas..

Circle of life..

2011-12-24T15:02:00.002+10:00

I am laying down in my bed to type this post. I made the Christmas pudding, salad, spring rolls etc.. All I have left to do is to cook the chook and the saddle back potatoes.
Years ago, my youngest sister and I were very close. My room was at the end of the house and I always lay down and read. My youngest sister is 7 years younger to me and she loved playing "sneaking up to touch the toes".. She would crawl on the floor, sneak up to the foot of my bed to touch my toes. She gets a point if she managed to touch my toes without me noticing her. Everyone knows that I am (partially) deaf.. so I shouldn't be able to hear my sister trying to sneak up on me.. But I did.. most of the time..
Right now, my youngest child is doing the same. I never told her about her aunt playing the same game.
She has barricaded me with pillows, just so I won't see her crawling..but I can hear..and I tap on the bed..when she reaches near the foot..
Life is a circle eh??
Tonite we are having roast chicken. ( chook is being marinated and later I will be stuffing it with minced meat), home made potato salad. saddle back potatoes, spinach and cranberry salad, spring rolls, devilled eggs, Christmas pudding, cake, and cherry and pistachio macaroons
I think I have had way too much wine..
Merry Christmas everyone..

Help. Violin music sheets

2011-12-23T15:26:00.001+10:00

I thought I had all the Christmas gifts sorted..My younger one has written a new list to Santa half an hour ago.... She wants "Violin rap music sheets"..She is tired of playing classical music and wants to play rap music and could Santa please give her some new music sheets..( rap songs preferred). Does anyone know where I can find something online?
Thanks

Entey Vanchi .. ( my boat)

2011-12-23T08:35:00.001+10:00

I received a mail from a friend I have known for years.,,
One single sentence caught my attention.. "Do whatever floats your boat"
And I have been thinking about that one sentence for a very long time.
What floats my boat??
It is very complicated and I am trying my best to answer that question here.
I don't know if I ever wrote about my mother's fear of giving me anything from her home. Be it her love or the items from my childhood. She gave everything to my sisters ( and they lost it all over the years..every single thing)..In her quest for fairness, Amma has even taken things from me to give to my sisters.
I really wanted to keep Amma's recipe book..It was a 250 page note book. Amma had beautiful script.. she used to practice writing on mirror..apparently that gives you a better handwriting..( from the time I was little..I knew I would be a doctor..my handwriting is atrocious!!)
The book was very old and Amma had got someone to bind it with thick white thread and you can see the thread knotted from the outside.
In it there was a recipe for 1234 cake and I followed that recipe to bake the cake..every time...I made the biggest mistake of asking Amma, if I could keep her recipe book..( this was when I was doing medicine and we were living in Bangalore.) The book was given to Chechy the very next time she came for a visit..The unfairness in all this is..my sister doesn't cook, wouldn't cook and the recipe book was of no use to her.. of course my sister lost it in the course of time..just as she lost every little thing she took from our home..
I stole my grandfather's cross from Amma. ( it is a very tiny cross and is bend because my grandfather had this habit of nibbling the cross when he was bored, because it was bend, no one was wearing it and no one noticed it was missing). That is the only thing that I have from my home..( I had also stolen Amma's achappam achu, which she took it back few years ago)
I have no photographs, nothing..from my childhood..from my home..Even a photograph of my parents..I remember when they took the photo..I was in 8th std. Rarely a visit from my father could be considered peaceful.That year perhaps the planets were in perfect alignment. Appa and Amma went to Chithra studio to take a photograph..black and white photo..My mother is not photogenic..and in that photo..she had a nice smile..Apart from their wedding photos, that was the only photo of them together. Amma gave that to my sister younger to me. I begged my sister to lend me the photo for a day, so I could take it to the studio to get another copy..She wouldn't give me..I never understood how is that one can even have proprietary rights to the photo of parents..
I have this fear of owning something that belongs to someone..because they might come and ask it back..
I also hate recycled gifts for the same reason..It belonged to someone and someone took it to give it to me..
I know I was talking about what floats my boat..
This is what floats my boat..
Things that no one can take from me..that floats my boat..
My memories..
My children.. ( I don't own them..but no one, not one person can take them away from me. Actually, Amma and my sisters tried it once.. they came to my house in KL..well planned trip..My youngest sister rang the calling bell..I have a security door outside the main door and only my sister was standing outside..and I opened the door for her..the rest were hiding by the side of the gate..They demanded visitation rights to my children..According to my oldest sister, Amma as a grandmother and she as an aunt has rights..This is the same aunty who didn't open her door when my children went to wish her merry christmas..Yaya was holding on to me and my mother was pulling Yaya from me and telling Yaya to follow Ammachi and Ammachi will raise her better than yaya's mother..I called the cops..That was the last time I saw my mother and sisters together..and why I ran with my kids to Canada)

Mine alone

2011-12-22T10:42:00.003+10:00

I had friends over for dinner last night. Normally I don't do Chinese food when I have friends over..cause the food needs to be served right after you cook and it is next to impossible to do that when you have lots of people..
I didn't want to have any leftovers as I am leaving soon..So I opted for Chinese.
We started the evening with boiled salted peanuts..and beer..
For main meal
I cooked Chicken stir fry with cashew and chillies.
clay pot fish ( there was a time I used to spend hours coating the fish and deep frying them..now I use ready made beer batter fish bites!!)
Kangkong in oyster sauce
and Szechuan tofu..( Kung pau)
After dinner, my kids wanted to play cards.. ( the usual rat a tat cat and UNO)
I am not sure who suggested that we play serious card game..
I don't know to play any card games ( as in poker or blackjack etc, Hey I grew up in a socially isolated family)
My friends didn't want me to spend another day on earth without knowing how to play blackjack.
It was decided that we are going to use fruit loops as chips and assigned a value for each colour of the fruit loop. Purple ones were worth 1000, green ones 500 and yellow 100 and red 10..
Eventually people started to eat their money..
I must have had beginners luck.. I won 6300 fruit loops..
It was a great evening..

As such I am doing my darnedest to keep myself busy.. so busy that I have no time to think, so I can keep the pain away....but the pain is omnipresent.. It is there with every breath I take..
I wish I could just beat myself up and shed bitter tears..
The truth is.. I loved him..I loved him over the lies, the deceit and the manipulating games..
I loved him for the person he is..( even when I was blind to the games he played)
Who should I blame, but me....

Sabah ( the land below the wind)

2011-12-20T23:01:00.005+10:00

All for the want of a new TV..
If it wasn't for a new TV, I would have been in KK right now.. My current TV is older than Yaya and though it has a set up box to convert the digital signal to analog, (or is it the other way around?) I don't get half the channels..
All I want to watch is mentalist and at the moment all I get is 'unsupport video', whatever that means!!
So I thought I would stick around till boxing day and see if I can get a good bargain.. ( pishukki.. I know). I also didn't want to cart my children's Christmas gifts to KK..Younger two still believe in Santa and it was really not possible to hide Santa's gifts in my backpack.
Since I can't be in Sabah right now, I thought I will go on a mental trip..
The last time I went back to Sabah was when Yaya was about 8 months old. I don't remember why I took Yaya to Sabah ( must have been running away from something!). But I do remember the trip. I was flying MAS. The cabin crew fell in love with Yaya and upgraded us to first class. Pairin Kitingan was also travelling in the first class and he was very impressed with Yaya ( she was already talking ) and played with her till the flight landed.

I love to take my children to all the places I have been to..there is a story in everything.

Like Tanjung Aru beach.. I used to go to the beach most evening..buy jagung ( boiled corn) and watch the sunset while eating jagung. Sometimes I used to take S ( my neighbour's daughter) for company. She was about 3 years old and she loved eating jagung. Some times S and I ate dinner at one of the restaurants near the beach..and one day she took the chop stick and tried to eat noodles with it..It was such a delight to watch her trying to hold the chop stick.. I will be meeting S this time..and she can't wait to see my kids..

Then there is this restaurant in Donggonggon. The owner was a Sino Kadazan and only opened the restaurant for breakfast. I always had Kway teow and teh special ( only for me..extra condensed milk) Kway teow there is unusual because it is pre cooked and served cold, but yummy....
Right behind the restaurant is the Kasigui suspension bridge ( over Moyog river). I am terrified of heights and never had the guts to walk on that bridge. I want to do it this time..

Then of course visit the Donggonggon tamu (Village market..)
Unlike the pasar malam (night market) in west Malaysia, the tamu is more fun..Villagers from nearby villages comes to the tamu to sell and buy stuff, meet their friends and relatives to talk and drink tapai ( rice wine).. the tamu last for days.. Again to start all over the next Thursday..
I want to buy a moram.muram.. ari pettunna muram.. ( don't know what to call that in english).. Sabahans are very much like Malayalees.. They grow rice and they make/weave muram to winnow the grains ..only difference unlike the typical malayalee muram, Kadazan muram is perfectly round..
I know I have to face the quarantine officer at Brisbane airport..Even if it is going to costs me an arm and a leg.. I am buying a muram.
I want to take my children to Signal hill ( it was the only place in Sabah where the sign post also had Tamil translation) and watch the city lights.
Visit Tambunan.. In those days, there used to be a sign board after the Gunung Emas restaurant that showed the elevation in meters and feet. ( I can't remember the number anymore and it bothers me.. So I want to go there and remember it again.)

I want to do the Ranau, Kundasang and Mount Kinabalu road trip..( I am not climbing Mt Kinabalu.. I can't. I am totally unfit..I am yet to find a way to weasel out).. I used to buy this vege called "Sabah vege"..it was only available in Kundasang..It is not Sayur Manis..and I don't know what it is.. I am going to find out this time.

I want to Visit Jimmy.. he saved my life once and I think it is only right that I visit him and introduce my kids to him. ( and drink tapai..His wife makes the best tapai)

Visit Hannah's grave.. ( I hope I can find it)

Visit Kudat, Kota belud and Kota Marudu..There used to be a Tamu Besar in Kota belud with the Bajau horse men all dressed up in their finery.. I hope it is still there..( Bajau's were called cow boys of the east for the same reason).
I hope my Sunday Morning favourite place..the dosai shop..is still there..The shop is next to a lotto center..Sunday morning breakfast involved buying 4D as well..My biggest win was RM 3000..

I want to travel to Kinabatangan.. ( India's Larson and Tuobro was involved in the bridge construction or design.. can't remember which.. It is a beautiful bridge..)..
Batu Tulug is another place I want to take my kids to.. apart from the usual wildlife watching in the Kinabatangan river..
( digressing a bit here.. When I was in the 9 th or 10th std, I watched this native American movie on doordarshan..it was a very long movie..all I remember is the way the people bury their dead..they leave the dead body on top of a tree..In the movie.. the old man wasn't dead.. he was in coma..and they left his body on top of the tree!! if any of you remember the name of the movie..pls leave a comment). Yaya wants to adopt an Orang Utan..I told her she is one and why bother adopting one.. ( She gave me that death stare!)

I can't wait to go back.. (home..it was always home..always will be)

2011-12-20T13:15:00.002+10:00

I remembered this song ..
after such a long time..
I had a huge collection of music tapes when I was studying medicine.
When I was leaving India after completing my degree, Amma insisted that my cassette collection were family property and I can't take them with me.. I don't know what happened to those tapes ( Knowing amma, she would have gifted them to Chechy..like she gave her my kettle, hair curler.. even the table cloth I used in the hostel)..
I don't own any more tapes or cd's because I don't want someone else to come and claim ownership of things I cherish
I haven't listened to any of these songs for years..I know I can search for this song on youtube..but right now.. it is just part of my memory and I would like it to stay that way..

o saathi re tere bina bhi kya jina
oh companion, what is living without you?
phuulon men kaliyon men sapanon ki galiyon men
in flowers, in buds, in the streets of love,
tere binaa kuchh kahin na
without you there is nothing anywhere!
tere bina bhi kya jina
what is living without you?
o saathi re tere bina bhi kya jina
oh companion, what is living without you?
phuulon men kaliyon men sapanon ki galiyon men
in flowers, in buds, in the streets of love,
tere binaa kuchh kahin na
without you there is nothing anywhere!
tere bina bhi kya jina
what is living without you?

Kishore Kumar at his best eh??

Thinkalazhcha nalla divasam

2011-12-19T06:37:00.002+10:00

Thinkalazhcha nalla divasam (Monday is an Auspicious day)
The movie came out when I was in the 10th std. I didn't watch it then because I didn't have time for frivolous activities..I had this number 429. ( my sister's SSLC marks).in front of me and I wanted to beat that score and didn't dare to waste time. But Chechy did watch the movie and told me about kids keeping Attum kattam in their bag hoping to hatch baby goats!

Thadi petti, thukal petti, thakara petti (treasure chests made from wood, leather and metal)
Ammachi, Amma and chechy had treasure chests..
I wasn't given one and I think that is why I started to store my memories as my treasure..
My sister had a blue metal trunk. She always kept that locked and one of my many skills is to pick the lock. When chechy was staying in the Uni hostel and no one was at home.. I would open her treasure chest and go through all her stuff..In those days, she still had the ruler Appa bought for both of us when I was in grade 1 ( and she was in grade 8!!). Opaque white plastic ruler with a thin red ( mine) and blue ( chechy's ) strip in the middle.I broke mine within a week. ( technically I didn't break..it was Mr. K who is now a managing director of a large firm with over 2000 employees who broke it. But he didn't get beaten.. I did, my ruler, therefor my fault).
I wasn't snooping.. I knew what was in that chest..But it was so comforting to go through the stuff that belonged to my sister..because it was the only way I could relate to her. everything in that chest had a story and I was part of that story..and I spend hours remembering those stories..and you feel this love for your sister..Now, don't get me wrong..my sister didn't deserve my love.. but at that moment.. I could just love her..without anyone knowing..without feeling guilty ..without the anger. It was my secret..

Today is my garbage collection day. I bought a bottle of wine as a Christmas pressie for the garbo man..
Thinkalazcha nalla divasam..
In today's bin.. there are the last vestigial remnants of my dreams and hopes
There are two settum mundum.. ( green and golden)
two sets of bangles ( green and golden)
a red earring..
a beautiful Celtic cross..

my best friend..

2011-12-18T19:46:00.004+10:00

Someone once said "Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass......it's about learning how to dance in the rain!"

Yaya has gone for bush camping in a cattle station 2 hours from Sydney. She will only be back next week.
Her siblings and I, we miss her..there is no one to sing out of tune that too at the top of her voice. My son says, he miss going to his sister's room to bug her and get her to scream "get out of my room". My baby says she misses her sister at dinner time cause Yaya always says something funny..
Right now, as I type this post, I am sitting in my room..I can smell the Muraya blossoms that grow on the tree outside my window.. I was planning to prune the tree few weeks ago, never got around to do it and today I think that was a good thing. I don't know much about plants or gardening..but I can tell you..the blossoms smell heavenly..

I want to talk about my best friend.
If there is one person I could say would do anything for me.. It was my best friend.
I could call him any time, He used to send me a million txts and emails. I used to get so many ecards. I could tell him anything I wanted. He was always there for me. The first time he went to India, he called me from the airport while he was in transit. He send me a txt as soon as he landed in India. He had trouble with his phone and net connection. So he borrowed net connection from someone..just so that I could still chat with him. He even got a new phone connection..because my network had connectivity issue..
Then I fell in love with him.. and he loved me..
In a normal world..nothing much would have changed.. but not in mine..The long mails, txts, phone calls all stopped..but only to me..
He still called all his other friends.. he still send mails to them..
Only I got treated differently and it hurt so much, because I knew without any doubt that I fell in love with a nice guy.. I saw him.. I knew him..It wasn't a mirage.
If it was a friend of his who send the money, and if there was some problem..he wouldn't have cussed and swore..he would have been understanding, kind and considerate. He would have never berated..He also would have called the friend to let him/her know that he got the money. He knows how to be a decent guy..
The second time he went to India, he send me a txt, 4 days after he arrived..
The third time he went to India..he never send a txt.

Today I grieve the loss of not just the man I loved..but also my best friend.. and I wish I could understand..what exactly happened..why was I treated badly..when he loved me so much.. why he would call all his friends and not me when I should be the one who mattered in his life??

I wish I could dance.. I could.. if I knew the reason

Shall we dance?

2011-12-16T06:32:00.004+10:00

My guardian angel...
I think I have a guardian angel..There has to be..

This post is very personal to me..When I write, the words just flow through my fingers, whether I am sad, angry or upset..I don't think and write and rarely I read what I wrote..
What I write today is straight from my heart.. It is not to point my finger at anyone.
Rather, This is my introspection.
It does tick me off when someone tells me what to write. I am a strong believer of freedom of speech, but just for this post, pls let me be.

Let me talk about loneliness.. it is like a cloak, a cape..that wraps around you, be it summer or winter. You do everything that is humanly possible to get rid of the cloak, for it suffocates you. ( Digressing a bit here..When I gave birth to yaya, a friend of mine organized a famous Indonesian lady to do Urut ( traditional massage/ ie another name for pure torture). This lady was in her late 70's and was 100 times stronger than me..Each day she came to do the Urut, she would wrap Yaya in her blanket.. very tightly..like a mummy.. The idea being that, Yaya in her mummy state would sleep as a new born baby is meant to and leave me alone to enjoy an hour of torture..It never worked, 10 minutes in to the session, Yaya would somehow get her arms and legs out and start her screaming session. It used to annoy the Amah so much..and she always said, Yaya is the only baby she has known who could get out of the tightly wrapped balnket)
Back to loneliness..
I drive like a maniac ( never with the kids) read and read, drink, meet my friends, spend time with my kids, write my blog etc to get away from loneliness. But loneliness is like the bull and I am the matador with the capote. We dance and we dance. some days I get to slay the bull, most of the time the bull gets me.

Imagine this.."wanted, a man to spend the rest of his life with a gorgeous ( I am!!!) woman with three kids" If the ad stopped at the gorgeous part, the queue would have been rather long.

A very close family friend lost her husband at the age of 35. She was so beautiful. I remember Amma asking the widow's mother, why are you not looking for a husband for your daughter. The wise mother replied..She has two daughters, what is my guarantee that the new husband will not harm my precious grand daughters. I will not sacrifice my grand children so my daughter could have a new life. A sensible person could say that logic is total bull. I did then.

But then I gave birth to my daughters and I will not risk bringing a stranger to my life.

I don't socialize much. I also don't go to the pubs..Mostly because I can't stand fools. Now don't get me wrong..I am not trying to be pretentious here..Each time I go to a pub, I have to endure this idle chat with guys whose ultimate aim is to get me to their bed. I find that repulsive. The last time I went to the pub, this dude winked at me and ordered oysters..and then had the cheek to ask me if I knew why he ordered them..( Oysters are supposed to be aphrodisiacs)..He never asked me if I eat Oysters ( I don't.. I am a pukka vegetarian!!)

In all these, there is also my family..the big elephant in the room.
Imagine this.. what about your family? the guy would ask me.
My reply would be..
"Well, My dad lives with his wife number 3 ( last count, knowing him I am not surprised if the count has increased), I don't know how many step brothers and sisters I have, I don't know where my mother is, I have not spoken to my youngest sister for 7 years, My other two sisters, they live close by and I haven't seen them either"
Did you see how fast the guy vanished?
Oh sure, I could lie..and spin a story..and when he finds out the real truth he will be magnanimous and forgive me.
So in comes a guy..my childhood sweetheart..He knew about my family..
I didn't have to lie.
When I met him, he was drinking his life away because his girl friend had dumped him.
I understood his pain.
He understood mine..
We had so much in common. ( He knew the song I was looking for, even without me asking him..He knew what I wore during our school pageant.)
He was a gold medalist and studied in a famous Uni.
At that time, He was crying about how much money his ex girl friend swindled out of him. ( 75 lakhs was his estimate. According to him, he paid for her degree ( foreign uni) and I believed it).
He had portrayed this image of him having money, rich friends etc.. ( he claimed to be close friends with the speaker or was it the health minister?? one of them)
I remember asking him, where is he working..and he send me a website link and said he owns that company ( that should have been a flag).
He was always on his fb.,nearly 24 hours and I understood that. I never sleeps either. ( I read when I can't sleep)
He was always playing farmville..practically addicted to it. He had this network of friends who were co farming..reaching level 100 ( whatever that may be) was the common goal. All his friends were working and he was the only who didn't. They shared the passwords, so when his friends or rather his co farmers were working or sleeping, he would farm or harvest or whatever that they do...They even had this software that was used to cheat ( some sort of snagging gifts and eggs or whatever)
Logically speaking, if you find a guy who is drunk all the time and sitting in front of the computer 24 hours, then if you have a bit of sense, you would have known something isn't right in that picture.
In my case, I had so much to lose, ( to find a guy who is intelligent, who speaks your language, who remembers every bit of the town where we grew up, the people, the place.. even the smell..how often one is that lucky??) so I refused to see what was right in front of me.

I wanted parents to replace mine..His parents are adorable..I wanted grandparents for my children and I knew his parents could fill that void.. ( selfish.. I know.. but then again try raising kids in a vacuum..and you would do the same)
Every time I asked about work, he said "you wouldn't understand how things work here". He was always evasive..
The bitter sad truth is, He hasn't worked for over four years.
He was getting his ex girlfriend to pay his rent. ( He claimed she was paying the rent because she was using his car)
( I learned later that he never paid her fees, she had two scholarships, he claimed he was the one who wrote her assignments, found her a place to stay at the uni etc....I now know all that are lies.)
In between all these, there were his friends. He wanted their opinion about me. ( Again, any sensible person would ask why? why in the world would you ask your friends for their opinion about the woman in your life? Aren't you the one who will be living with her?).
This is where our third wheel came in to picture. ( Of all the unforgivable things, he told her things that are absolutely private)
With her in the picture, they power dynamics were changing..She was playing a game I was not willing to play. ( she befriended my youngest child and then she would then tell him what my child said etc..she was going through private messages on fb. She called my child her pet name. The only way she would have known that name was by reading private messages, She lied by saying that she got the same from fb emails..my child's email id is her petname..but fb mails were never send using a person's email id, much as I tried to get him to understand that his friend is reading his private messages, he refused to believe me..( Amma and chechy always snooped and most of you who have read my blog from the beginning would know why I can't stand people who snoop)
Once she send a message meant for him to me ( accidentally or deliberately)..and corrected the message ( deleted no mention about you or me) and send to him.I told her to stay the hell away...but was he going to tell her that? Of course not.. they are friends..thick friends.. The friendship is such that, he took a story he wrote in 1986, went to the nearest place where he could scan it and then send to her..so she could read his story.. ( Don't I sound a wee bit jealous here?? In actual fact.. it wasn't jealousy.. it was just that I didn't/couldn't understand what is going on.. What is with a 40 year old man who is dating me, that he wants more attention from another person.. it was like he only thrived being her hero.. Am I making any sense here??
Eventually he understood she was reading his messages.. ( she told him, but not to apologize, but to give her shoulder for him to cry on.)
Again, there was something wrong with the picture..why was he letting a friend like that between us??
In between all these, he started asking me for money. ( Yes I know I am an idiot.)
Initially it was paying his mortgage..then it was paying child support..
I wanted to help him..
He was not getting any jobs where he was.
I paid for a new CV ( professionally written), hoping that would help. He was supposed to have got a job with his old company, that lasted few weeks and they didn't even pay him...He went in there in the morning when he woke up ( could be any time, because it depended on how much he drank the night before) hung around there and left in the evening. Some days he didn't turn up for work.
You have to understand..He is exceptionally intelligent. I knew he has a potential and I wanted to help him because I knew all he needs is that "kick start". I had faith in him..

I got him a visa to another country..got a friend to employ him. He needed medicals done and I got my junior to do the medicals..Being the alcoholic that he is, I was worried about the fitness report. His father is well connected and knew many doctors.. I didn't want his father to beg his contacts to change the medical reports and be obligated.. it is much easier for me to call my junior and tell him to fix it. ( we are not discussing ethics here).

He arrived in the new country. within two days, befriended the brother in law of my friend and started drinking..not just simple drinking..real drinking..Spend 2000 Aussie dollars ( my money) in 2 weeks. When he arrived, my friend was away on a business meeting and when my friend returned he ( my man, not my friend) was screaming at me, because as soon my friend came back, he didn't go and see him. ( it made no difference to him that there were political changes happening and my friend was busy consolidating his position)

He was supposed to work on couple of tenders for my friend ( work worth millions of US dollars). I had send him the tender documents months in advance. He never read them. He send the documents to his friends to work on. There was a small catch.. you had to put a deposit along with the tender. Two days before the tender is due, he finally read the document and realized he needed to raise capital..Too late..( my fault nevertheless..He blamed me)

My friend being the wise man that he is, didn't employ him. But again, it was my fault. ( My friend gave him a two bedroom apt, a car, a driver and a house cleaner.. All he had to spend was the utilities, food and phone).
In between all these, he was still asking me for money.. and I was sending it..one time, there was a mistake in western union transfer and he went to the bank to collect the money..and couldn't..I had gone to the post office to transfer the funds and driving back home and there was this constant frantic messages from him, I couldn't pull over and against the law, I took my phone and typed just wait..He started to send abusive texts..telling me how useless I am..that I am not even capable of doing simple chores like transferring money)
I came home, called western union, fixed the issue ..and txt him back to tell him that it is sorted..If you have an iota of decency.. you would let the sender know..you received the money. He didn't bother and it upset me so much.. Because it was a huge sum of money, I then had to ask the driver if he got the money.
Imagine this..I am sending him the money.. every single cent..and he is using the money..to txt and send messages ( using the phone I paid for) to his friends..including the third wheel.. Instead of using the money to look for a job..
He wanted me to look for a job for him. and I had to write the cover letter and send the CV.. ( I did..because I loved him and wanted him to have a chance)
Two months in the new country and thousands of dollars down the drain, he decided to go back. I was in the midst of a new project. He send me a txt," you got me here and you get me out". it was true..
Only thing is..he bought his ticket from an agent who is a martian ( when you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.. he went for the cheapest ticket and bought from an agent who doesn't know what IATA is ). My work, the time difference and a Martian agent made it really tough. I had asked him to send me an authorization..to work on his behalf to change the flight schedule.. He wouldn't. ( He couldn't be bothered). Try calling an airlines to change the flight details of someone you are not related to..and don't have the authorization..
As he mentioned, I got him in and I had to get him out.. It cost so much of money calling up various levels of airline hierarchy..and I finally managed to change the dates.
I send him the details.. then there was total silence.. ( palam kadakkana varey rama rama..)
He never send me a txt, email.. nothing..
I am extremely intuitive..few days ago something made me check his fb account..One of his friend had a written a wall post
"I am so happy for you, wishing you both long life together"
I asked him what is going on
His reply was to delete his fb account.
I asked the third wheel..( I had to..because I was being taken for a fool).. She too decided not to respond.
Oh I forgot..he once claimed I was good macro level..but not at micro..
He told me I changed.. one thing I remember distinctly was this.. I told him in the beginning itself that I read a lot..and he told me so does he..He claimed that he even has a special bedside lamp that he installed specifically so he could read at night..eventually he threatened me that he will burn my books..
I told him I write and he said he always admired writers and when I send him my first story, his reply was "you don't try to be Shakespeare". he told me I was wasting time writing, instead he asked me to work and earn more money!
I am not writing this blog post to paint him in a bad picture..Like I mentioned before, He is a wonderful guy..intelligent, smart, caring and loving..
It takes two to tango..I am not perfect..I am a strong willed, stubborn person with a temper to match.
He is a wonderful person..and I know in my heart he deserves someone better..
I also know my guardian angel is keeping me safe..for what happened yesterday..it gave me so much strength ( I am making money baby..lots and lots)..and it also let me see beyond ..those images were there..I refused to see them until yesterday..The truth is.. it would never have worked..I know I would have never walked away because I couldn't hurt him..( he always said, all his women leave him and I didn't want to the one who left).. So he did the right thing..much as it hurt..I am also relieved..
I remember reading this poem many years ago..
"To twice slay the slain,
By dint of the Brain,
Is but labour in vain,
Unproductive of gain,
And so I shall bid you 'Adieu'!
—"Monkeyana"

I am back to being the matador.. but this time..much as I was taught to never ever to say never..it is just going to be me and the bull..Never will I let anyone in to my life. It is simply not worth it.
If you ( as in you or your friends) are reading my blog to see my plans ( ie, if I would come home to create trouble)..be assured that I have no such desire...
Life is too short to keep grudges..and I have so much to live for..so much.

Now where is my capote?? Shall we dance?

Nimitham

2011-12-15T10:15:00.002+10:00

Nimitham..I don't think there is a correct word in English that can describe the word Nimitham..
However..what happened just a few minutes ago might be able to explain.
I talked about money and money it is going to be for me..
This news was supposed to have come few weeks ago.. perhaps it came this late, so no one gets to tell me that their presence in my life is the cause of my success!
Tesla is now a reality..no longer a dream..

Croesus, Money and happiness

2011-12-15T06:45:00.003+10:00

I received a mail (fb) from my senior few days ago. He was a very close friend of beautiful eyes. His mail was simple. He is going to Bangalore this Christmas and will be meeting few others to drink and remember the friend who died 2 decades ago. He wanted me to know that they ( friends of Beautiful Eyes) have never forgotten him. It was not just the mail that surprised me.. it was the subject..Croesus..
In 1988, beautiful eyes owned a Yamaha 350 cc bike. He was rich as Croesus and I told him the story of Croesus ( Tolstoy..Croesus and fate). He in turn told his friends about Croesus and the name stuck!!
Croesus was rich..very rich and he was happy. When you are the richest man on earth and happy because you have everything, you can assume that you are better than anyone..happiness is yours alone. There can't be anyone happier than you. So Croesus thought..till he met the Scholar Solon and asked him if Solon has seen anyone more happier..Solon said yes he has..
He met a peasant in Athens who is happier than Croesus..
Story goes that, Croesus disagreed with Solon ( because Croesus had money and money brought happiness), till he lost his precious son in a hunting accident!!

I wondered if I could ask the same question to Solon??
How can I ask when I am wading in the quagmire of sorrow because you chose to leave me, instead of being happy for what I have?
So I decided to take a stock of what I have in my life rather than what I don't have.
I have so much in my life that I am happy for...so much..

Exorcising still

2011-12-14T07:13:00.002+10:00

I don't know if I have written about the most interesting patient I have ever had.
I was working as an Emergency medicine Dr. ( Loved the adrenaline rush, hated to write death certificates)
I was on call that night along with another Dr, who was writing his DNB exam. He asked if I could handle the work load on my own, so he could study for his exams..
Usually there is a a lull in admissions between 12 and 3 am and I told him sure. Besides he was still in the same building and I could always call him if I need him.
Nurses were in the next room, talking to each other.
The attendant was sleeping on one of the beds and I was reading a book.
Then all hell broke loose.
The room was full of nurses, all talking at the same time..
they rushed in a patient and then someone told me
"She is a staff and she tried to commit suicide by drinking mercury"
"What? what did she take?" I asked again, just to make sure that I am not imagining.
The usual culprits in suicide are poisons, kerosene etc.. Mercury??
"She broke the bp apparatus and drank the mercury"
I had never seen a Mercury poisoning case before..I ran to get my colleague and updated him.
We checked her vitals, all good.
We reconfirmed the details.
Then we both looked at each other. What do you do to treat mercury poisoning? Is there an antidote?
No one to knew how to treat a mercury poisoning..
Then I remembered, the dept had an emergency medicine manual. I took the book out, checked for mercury poisoning..right under the words treatment for mercury poisoning...there was a telephone number..a US telephone number that said call this number if you ever find a mercury poisoning case..
But the patient survived and I learned how to treat mercury poisoning.
I met her before she was discharged..In the mid 90's, shrinks weren't that popular..you figured a way to deal with your problems..and I wanted her to know that I am there for her and that she is not alone.
What I remember the most about her when I met her that day.. was her hair..She had the most gorgeous long hair in two plaits..( The most beautiful part of humanity you will always find among nurses..they standby each other..sharing the work load, changing the rosters to help someone..and in this case, the whole bunch of nurses took care of my patient..bringing her home cooked meals, combing her hair and practically pampering her)
when she was discharged. She took few days of leave and one day she came to the emergency dept to say Thank you to me.
She had cut her hair..it was so short..
The new her..
She was trying to exorcise the ghosts..I knew that feeling..

I cut my hair..
It was not easy..Not least because my hair stylist who is also a very close friend, refused to cut my hair.
She insisted that I would regret cutting my beautiful long hair and she didn't want to be a part of my misery.
It took a while to convince her that it is just hair and it will grow eventually..( of course, I could have gone to another stylist..but she is my friend and as a single mother, she needs the money especially during the holiday season)
We had a bottle of bubbly ( advantage of a stylist working from home) bitched about the men in our life..
somewhere along the line, the new me was created.
I wanted a very short hair style..and ended up with shoulder length hair..
One ghost is exorcised.. many to go..

2011-12-13T22:47:00.002+10:00

I choose to love u in silence,
For in my silence I find no rejection,
I choose to love u in my loneliness,
For in my loneliness no one owns u but me......
I choose to adore u from distance,
... .....For a distance shields us both from pain....
I choose to kiss u on the wind.....
For on the wind is gentler than my lips.....
I choose to hold u in my dreams....
For in my dreams there is no end......

not my words..Found this on fb

more ghosts

2011-12-13T07:42:00.002+10:00

I had actually forgotten about one more ghost..
I was 10 years old.
My father had left us and life was hell living with Amma.
When Appa was living with us, we always had good food. Appa used to buy fruits in bulk and after dinner, he used to cut the fruits and we would sit on the veranda and eat. He would teach us about various stars. We also went out to eat most weekends. But the biggst treat was parippu vada . Most evenings, he would buy parippu vada on his way back from work.
From that to an absent mother and kanji, payar ularthiyathu and yogurt with worms.. It was a drastic change.
i remember fighting with Amma one evening and asking her to buy parippu vada. Obviously she didn't buy. But I remember wishing so much that if only I had someone..( enikku arenkilum undayirunnenkil)
You know, that someone who would help me get out of Amma's house.
I shed so much of bitter tears.. not just because amma refused to buy parippu vada, but because my father, the only person who could have saved me from Amma left me.
I clearly remember the next morning. I was up early ( So I can read the newspaper first)
From the house you need to walk to the main gate to collect the paper and en route I also collected vellakka (baby coconuts) for my youngest sister. I made a pouch by lifting the edge of my tshirt to hold all the vellakka.
As I walked towards the gate, I noticed this man standing there. He smiled and told me
"Come, I bought parippu vada for you"
Strangers usually terrified me. But there was something about this man. He was so familiar, though I have never seen him before.
He was wearing a woolen hat and had a muffler around his neck. He had a newspaper wrapped parcel in his hand.
"you must not eat anything if given by a stranger" was the manthra we were all taught when we were young.
I don't deny that I was very tempted to eat the vada. So the best option was to run inside the house, get amma and if amma agrees that I can eat the parippuvada this stranger is giving me, all is well.
I dropped the vellakka to the ground and ran back inside.
He wasn't there when I came back.
was he a figment of my imagination?? Probably..
But my maternal grandmother insisted later that the person I saw was her husband who died two days before my birth..He always wore a woolen hat..
( The sensible one in me knows that there is no way you can buy parippuvada early in the morning, but the vellakkas were there exactly where I dropped them when I went back)
I spend so many mornings by the gate waiting for him..and much as life was hell with amma, there was this sense of feeling that I was not all alone.

2011-12-12T06:46:00.002+10:00

if I could just breath..

I can't sleep. I can't read, I can't stop being the mother

I can't even grieve.

I try so much not to think.

There is so many unanswered questions.

All my mind keep asking is, How could you?

I know time heals

I know this too shall pass

but right now..I just want to breath..

exorcising the ghost

2011-12-11T06:45:00.002+10:00

exorcising the ghost!!!
I don't believe in Ghost.
However one of my family's legend is the story about Marty's ghost. ( marty is not his real name)
Marty was an Anglo Indian. ( How he became a part of my family's legend is another story)

Apparently Marty's trade mark was his guitar and his dinner jacket. He always wore a dinner jacket. ( Imagine the heat in Kerala and wearing a jacket all the time)
A very beautiful suriani kristiani woman fell in love with this handsome blue eyed malayalam speaking, guitar playing singer and her family got her married to another suriani before the end of the day.
What happened to Marty after that no one really knows. He was supposed to have gone to goa and was busking there. Then it was told that he went to England to study.
Many years later the suriani kristiani woman's husband died in an accident ( one of the first cases of drink driving casualty in my family..Our man drove the car straight to the jackfruit tree that stood there in the same spot for over 30 years. Both the driver and the tree died and the wood from that tree was used to make a wooden trunk..( I will write about that petti may be tomorrow)
Our Suriani kristiani beauty never really forgot about Marty and used the usual gossip networks to find out where he is. By then Marty had a son..he also had TB.
Now is the most interesting part.
One hot summer evening, Our beauty was sitting down in the veranda and drinking her coffee. From where she sat, there are steps leading all the way down to the main gate which is by the side of the main road. I still remember the gate..blue colour with spikes on top to prevent anyone from climbing in and out. I can't remember how many steps were there.It was like this.. few steps, then a little platform, then more steps and more platforms. There were either two or three platforms. Where the steps become a platform, there were pillars on either side and each pillar held a flower pot. I don't remember any flowers in those pots, all I can see is grass, so probably there were plants in the beginning and then no one bothered to take care of it.
Anyway from the veranda, you can hear if someone opens the main gate, which our beauty heard and she got up to see who came.
There right at the bottom of the stairs was this old haggard looking man wearing a dinner jacket.
If this was a hindi movie, you would hear a song and can now see the lovers running in slow motion to each other's arms. Alas, this wasn't a hindi movie and I was told that the beauty was too shocked to even take a step further. Marty was a coughing a lot and it took a while for him to climb all those steps and reach the veranda.
What we all were told was, The beauty invited Marty to come and sit and he refused. He said he only wanted to see the beauty and he has to leave.
He left.
The beauty always insisted that she could smell something funny when Marty was standing in front of her.. ( something that smelled like athar)
Few days later, our beauty's daughter brought a news paper cutting home to her mother.
Marty's obituary.
Marty visited her on the day of his funeral..
Like I mentioned in the beginning, I don't believe in Ghost.
My sister met Marty's son in Goa, He is also a singer and loves busking like his father.

Years later, I was living in Penang. I had just given birth to my youngest and it was a very hot afternoon. The house in Penang had a wet and dry kitchen. I was going to cook some lunch and because I am deaf, I can't hear the kids crying if I switch on the exhaust fan, so I took the kids to the dry kitchen whenever I cooked. Kitchen didn't have any aircon and the doors and windows were open.
Yaya and toothless were sitting on the kitchen floor and playing with playdough. I made my own playdough and each day kids got to pick the colour. That day it was green. I had baby in my hand and I could smell this funny smell..As though someone dropped a bottle of neelabrungathi oil. I didn't have any neelabrungathi. But the smell was so strong. I felt so uncomfortable. I remember asking yaya, is your great grandmother somewhere here? The house behind mine belonged to a Chinese opera singer and she was in Hong kong. The house by the side belonged a to Malay couple and both were at work. So there was no way the smell could have come from the neighbours house. I took the kids and went to the living room. The windows were all closed because the aircon was on. I remember opening all the windows to get rid of the smell.
I convinced myself that I had just given birth and my hormones were acting up or may be I was becoming Schizophrenic!! ( it didn't help that I also had a patient who could smell things!!)
Months later, chechy went to Chengannur and found out that my grandmother had passed away in January. ( I gave birth to my daughter in the first week of january)
Why this post? I was thinking of exorcising the ghosts in my life ( memories) and I remembered both the incidents and thought I will write about that. We will get to the story of the thadi petti and thukal petti someday..

For my third wheel

2011-12-09T20:30:00.006+10:00

This is a very bitchy post, every bit of it is true and I am not drunk.
Read at your own peril.

I want to talk about a person.

Most of you who live outside India would have met someone like her in your life.
She is a typical kampung girl, but by fluke of luck, she gets a chance to live outside India..( In the beginning, you found women like her in mid east, but now you find them mostly in the big three popular malayalee migrant countries. US, Canada and Australia.
Within a few years after they arrive in these countries, they take the role of the new queen and anyone who comes after them to the country has to go through a royal test to be accepted in to the circle. But you must understand that by virtue of the fact that she arrived before you makes her the supreme commander and you are expected to be a good for nothing and she needs to train you to the life of "how to be an aussie or canadian etc"
If she is an Aussie, she calls her friends mate in front of you, sings oi oi oi aussie etc and even is she can't string a proper sentence in English, she will still talk only in English.
She is a true and true Aussie..that is what she thinks of herself as.
But deep inside, she is still very much a kampung girl, straight out of a little village in Kottayam. Manipulating, conniving Ms Nosey Parker. she is also an active member of the church and have tons of friends who are self declared queens like her. Praying and bitching about others are her past time. ( You will find the likes of her in all religious places of worship)
Often immigrant like her who then became a citizen are the ones who cry the most protesting about the illegal immigrants and wants new laws to protect them from other migrants. ( Ala Pauline Hanson style)
What she and ilks like her hate the most is to find someone like me, who doesn't fit in to the mould.
I drink like a fish ( Yup, some women in Kerala drinks ( At least most in my extended family do, but then again my family is a normal one!!!!!), but still it is not an acceptable behaviour for a new immigrant)
I love surfing, long drives, camping, and fossicking for gems!!.
Let is just say that I don't sing oi oi oi Aussie and I hate to call someone mate, but I probably live like most Aussies.
I have lived outside India most of my life. I don't own the latest saree and I certainly don't wear any 'Indian' outfits.

I have a cousin in Malaysia who came to Malaysia as a 16 year old bride. Every year she would go to Kerala and when she comes back,she would ask me ( No, she wouldn't request,She asked/demanded because she was the self proclaimed queen by seniority(30 years in Malaysia) I was still on trial to be accepted in to the fold) to drop her to the church every sunday morning. She can drive and she has her own car, but then how was she going to show me ( the new arrival as far as she was concerned, even though the citizenship says otherwise) all the new sarees she bought when she went to India? This charade would continue till she finished wearing all her new sarees and matching gold ornaments. Perhaps she was hoping to make me envious..
When that didn't work, she then started on this mission to fatten me up. That is another thing with mallu women when they live outside. They love the good food and they eat and they gain weight. But they can't stand the sight of a slender woman. Initially I was told that I am thin because I haven't conceived yet..I haven't spoken to her for years, I am sure she would have some excuse to justify my 52 kg weight after three kids and continue to belittle me about my size.
You see, that is how it should be. You are expected to be like everyone else. You must wear saree or salwar, you must go to church every sunday, you must invite everyone to your new home, you must compete with them by buying the latest car/vacuum whatever.. Actually you are obligated to give them a reason to live..because they won't leave you alone until you do.

In every relationship that breaks up, there is often a third wheel.
But in my case it was she.
This is for her
I wish she would read this.
I want to ask you, how do you sleep at night?
Why did you hate me so much? Because I am different? because I don't fit in the mould you created for me? Why ma, what have I done to you?
You profess so much about your faith..and living for your Christ, singing at the church etc
You are the biggest Judas of all.
Do you remember "I don't think she is serious"
Do you remember
"She said only about what they are plannign to do, beach, surfing, fossikking for gems, travelling back by New highway,just that... No mention about u or me or any friendly talk. Very clever Ha?"
I never understood and I still don't understand what you meant by no mention about u or me..

You seemed to have wanted this propietary rights to him.. as if you owned his affection, his life..etc.
He is your hero..and you couldn't accept the fact that I could love him and you did everything to make sure that things didn't work out between him and I..
Intially I felt sorry for you..I have seen so many women like you..lonely bored desperate housewives.. I tried my level best to be nice to you because you were his friend and I wasn't going to come in between the two of you.
But you were always meddling, reading private messages on fb, even if you had the password was a bit too much.. ( and you know he gave you the password to play farmville, but being the typical mallu that you are, you couldn't resist reading private messages!)

I can bet with you, if she is reading this the first thing she is going to do is run to him to cry on his shoulder, then she would send this post to all her cronies.. and they will all tell her,
"Oh my darling, you are not like that, she ( read me) is jealous"
But madam ask yourself..and see for yourself..what you truly are..

I wish you well.

2011-12-09T08:27:00.004+10:00

Achaya
I was thinking if I could still call you Achaya..But then again, I have known you well over 37 years and you won't stop existing all of a sudden..
I thought I would tell you about this morning.
I don't know what time I went to bed last night..I was in this suspended stage where in my heart I knew I had to continue to do the things that I do as a mother because my children need me..
I had to smile and laugh because yesterday was my children's last day at school and they were so excited and they had so much to tell me. I also had to meet all their teachers to say my thank you.( my world as I know it, was falling apart, like how the water seeps through the thorthu when I used to catch fish with it and I had to grab the corners to prevent the fish from jumping out..and just the same way, much as I didn't want to see anyone let alone talk to anyone, I had to and I grabbed the corners of my inner strength and did what I was supposed to do..After all,I am still Methran Thamby's grand daughter.)
It was raining nonstop the past few days and as I drove the kids home from school, I felt it was the same as in Vancouver. Gloomy rainy days with no sun to be seen. Perfect weather for my not perfect life..
I couldn't cook, but the kids were hungry and I was hoping they would make a sandwich or perhaps cook some noodles. My head was aching and I wanted to sleep. My son came to my room to talk to me about the latest Porsche car that he was reading about. I wanted to tell him not now, my heart and my head is aching..but who else was he going to talk about his passion. He is crazy about cars, just as his mother. After talking about the car, he then told me "mom I am hungry, Could you make some Udon noodles?"
Udon is easy to cook, blanch the noodles in hot water and stir fry with oyster sauce along whatever vege in the freezer. Yaya wanted to use the Christmas dishes her grandmother gave her and we had a festive dinner.
I contemplated getting drunk after kids went to bed. But I know the pain would still be there once the effect of alcohol wears off..( I am not sure since when I became this sensible, I am surprised at my own maturity!!)
I know I was talking to you about the weather. As I said before, I don't remember what time I went to bed, I tried to read and might have slept off, it was raining heavy and perhaps the pitter patter sound of the rain was soothing to my soul. I woke up around 5 hearing the birds chirping. baby still sleeps with me and I untangled myself from her legs and hands without waking her up and opened the curtain.
It was the most incredible morning ever. Bright and sunny..It felt as if the gloomy yesterday didn't exist. It was a new day..a bright new day..a day that tells you to get out and enjoy the day, it is created just for you. ( Did you know that the weather forecast was rain all the way to Christmas??)
My son was up and I asked him if he would like to go for a drive. My kids are used to their wacky mother and he was ready in 5 minutes. I woke Yaya up and told her that we are going for a drive and be back soon. She mumbled something in her sleep..
Going for a drive with my son..it is fun..We pick a car at random and then talk about the make, the specifications etc. There were lots of cars on the road and we even saw a lambo.
When we came back, we found another surprise. Actually my son noticed it. My jasmine plant bloomed..If there is any plant that deserves an award for thriving in the most hostile environment it is my jasmine. When I came to Australia, my friend Marge gave me a jasmine plant in a pot as a thank you gift. It was a big plant with lots of flowers and I know she paid top dollars for it. I killed it within a month. Then my cousin gave me a small jasmine plant. ( You remember my cousin whom i used to visit every Thursday?). She dug the plant out herself, so the root will be intact and planted it in a pot for me, so all I had to do was to water. When Amma was here, she complained often about my jasmine plant and I lost interest and left the plant in the corner. Two summers it survived without me ever watering it. It is two feet tall and I counted 5 jasmine buds today and one has already bloomed.. (and I remember all the times you bought me mullappo..)
Achaya, you came in to my life when I drowning in my sorrow.. You gave me hope. You brought a ray of sunshine..You gave me so much of good memories.
I haven't come to even think about my tomorrows without you in it..
But I know in my heart that I still have my today..the bright sunny today and much as it hurts, I will survive.
I wish you well my darling. May you find peace and happiness..

On a day like this..

2011-12-08T07:22:00.002+10:00

I wouldn't wish a day like this on anyone..
I have been hurt by so many people in my life. I survived because I am Methran Thambi's grand daughter and I was not going to give up.
But today..I don't have the strength to get out of bed let alone think of another day.
Why did you have to hurt me like this when you know more than anyone what I have gone through?
Was my love not enough for you?
I wish I could curse you, spite you and hate you.
I can't. I just can't.
You mean the world to me.

Travelling with kids

2011-12-06T10:03:00.004+10:00

I have travelled with my children since they were babies. Once I visited Rome with three kids under the age of 5. I was still breastfeeding the youngest. It was a challenge flying with three kids. Being the pedantic person that I am, I planned everything to the very last bit before travelling. Baby food,diapers,Toys, books, snacks ,medicine and change of clothes all had to be packed and taken as hand luggage. Hotel was booked in advance and baby cot and play pen were arranged. So was the car rental and car seats.
Even after such careful planning, I was smart enough to have checked in the hand luggage ( including the medicine bag) and just as Murphy's law dictates my daughter developed high fever midair. An hour in to flight and 12 more hours to land. The airline didn't carry paediatric medicines and I had no choice but to sponge her down. ( The stress I was under..no words can describe)
Travelling with kids was really stressful when they were young. But I wanted them to experience the joy of travelling and felt it would be better to start them young.
And now that the kids are older,it is so easy to travel with them. They pack their own bags, take the books and toys they want to take and are great company for long distance drive.
We can play hours "I see the cat on the roof and it is a ...... cat" ( you have to describe the cat with each letter in the alphabet..alien cat, angry cat, bashful cat etc) and my son comes out with really wacky words..

We will be leaving for Malaysia soon.
I have not planned anything. I have no idea where we are going or what we will be doing.
I would like to do the Borneo Overland trail. Kids want to climb Mount Kinabalu. ( I am trying my darnedest to weasel out.).
I have promised my youngest that I will take her for diving in Sipadan Island for her 10th birthday. ( She can get her open water certification when she is 10 years old and she has been waiting so long to get her certificate) So I have to honour that promise.
But I am not stressed.
It feels so good to go for a holiday with no plans..
I am already dreaming of teh tarikh and roti canai..kway teow goreng , wah tan mee.., mamak mee..nasi lemak..all the kuih muih..

another year

2011-12-05T11:33:00.003+10:00

Another academic year is over. Yaya completed grade 8, toothless and baby completed grade 6 and 4.
Only after my relatives recent visit had I actually noticed that my children don't study. I remember as a child having to do tons of homework each day. I also studied whatever that was taught each day and revised everything in the weekend. For me exam time was really stressful, having to memorize poems in three languages, spelling tests, etc..
My kids have homework. Beginning of the term they are given a homework booklet and are expected to complete two pages every week. My son completes the whole booklet on the first day, so he doesn't have any homework to do the rest of the term. Baby does her homework on Friday morning.
They also have projects to do each term which they do on their own.
To this day I have not asked my children to study. They do have tests, but they don't study for the tests.
They still get 30 minutes of TV and 1 hour of computer time during weekdays.
TV and computer are off during weekends.
They read all the time.
I gave up trying to enforce strict bedtime. I rather allow them to read under proper light than use the torchlight and read!
I would have liked my children to help me with chores. I had this image of a having a house like the 'little women' where everyone does their share of the work. I was told "you are the mother, it is your duty to feed and nurture us" when I asked Yaya to help me in the kitchen.
Yaya doesn't want to learn cooking, has no intention of cooking in her life and will only marry a guy who knows to cook. Her plan B is to live next door to her mother.
Toothless loves to eat and occasionally helps me in the kitchen, but will grumble and mumble so much that I get so mad at him.
Baby is the smartest of the lot. When I ask her to do something, she will ask me to show her exactly how I want it done and in the process gets me to do it and I am none the wiser.

The biggest lesson for me as a mother to learn was to take a step back. It was hard for me to watch rather than teach. My children are getting older and are becoming more independent. Much as I would love to teach them how to do things, it is now my turn to watch them do things. They may not get it right the first time. But they will eventually. They have to and I have to let them learn from their mistakes.

The best part of the year was attending Yaya's annual academic awards ceremony. It was a formal event and only the parents whose kids were getting an award were invited. I watched this year 12 boy wearing a formal suit walking up to the stage to collect his award. He then walked to the middle of the stage and did an Elvis pose. It takes tremendous courage to do that in front of a hall full of people including dignitaries !
For me that is what education is all about. To encourage individuality and give the children the confidence to face the future..
This year my son wrote his name as 'Epikos' ( root word for epic) on his notebooks, assignments, even on his hat. His teacher allowed him to do so. I am not sure if he would have been allowed to do that in India or even in Malaysia..
I am glad I have the opportunity to send my kids to a school that encourages them to be different..

Sex

2011-12-01T07:50:00.007+10:00

I didn't have any sex education at school.
I remember wanting to read the 10 std biology book when I was in 8th std ( there were supposed to be diagrams of male and female body in the biology book.). But the logistics involved in getting a 10th std book when you are in 8th std was a bit difficult.By the time I was in 10th std, I was too busy studying to actually spend time to understand 'things' we are supposed to understand without actually being taught. !! ( obviously learned the fine art of rort learning, because I had no idea what I was learning)
I was also a loner at school mostly because Amma encouraged us not to talk about Appa to our friends and I used my loner identity as a shield to protect me from others. So I missed out on the usual sex talks the pre adolescent kids have.
Happily I went to the medical college believing Akkachi's story about the belly button and the zipper!! ( I still can't believe I was that naive)
I felt that my children should be taught what they need to know at home. It is my job as their mother to teach them about sex. I had this wonderful notion that I will answer all their questions truthfully..and I did.
It went like this
When my son was about 7, he asked me how babies are born.
My truthful answer ..."Mothers go to hospital to give birth"
I actually wanted to hit my head on the wall..
But what was I supposed to say to a 7 year old boy? That the mother gets labour contractions and the cervix dilates etc etc??
Along the same time, the school send a note saying that they are bringing in a sex education counsellor and requires my permission for my children to attend the sex education class. I was also invited to a preview of what the counsellor will be teaching my kids the day before the actual session. ( truth be told, I was happy to let someone else to do the talking)
Happily I went for the preview.
She( counsellor) talked about the physical changes etc, talked about sex and what happens during sex, she then proceeded to talk about contraception and how to use the condom..She even demonstrated the correct application of condom using a banana..then she casually said it is better that pre school and kindergarten students learn the correct application of condom, so we can prevent STD's.
What? She was going to show my 5 year old baby how to use the condom??
Now, I am doctor and I am not a prude, But I want my children to learn about sex at the right time. I wasn't going to let my kindergarten child learn about how to use a condom. I couldn't.
I refused to sign the permission slip.
I have sat with each of my children and talked to them about their body, what changes can be expected.. etc.
I also explained about sex to Yaya and Josh. Baby is too young..
The reason for this post is
My son loves James Patterson books.
He read Kill me if you can two days ago and told me it is a good book and insisted that I read, so I read.
There is incest ( father and daughter and extremely descriptive) in the book.
I am extremely uncomfortable after I read the book.
Both Yaya and toothless read at University level. It is not possible for me to tell them not to read a book because they are too young. But I worry, if a 11 years old is matured enough to read about incest..

Oh the wonderful children of India

2011-11-30T08:00:00.003+10:00

Apparently the 'Indian' Children are so wonderful..
Let me extol their virtues
They respect their elders by giving up their seat/recliner (even if there is an empty chair right next to the one they are sitting on)
They speak their mother tongue.
They study all the time and don't waste time by reading story books.
They eat Indian/Malayalee food every day..
They ( girls) wear decent clothes like Salwars..
They ( boys) don't waste their parents money on frivolous things like deodorants and hair gels
And the most important thing.. they never never never never talk about sex/hot guys/hot girls..

Where as my lazy children.. They speak English, Japanese, French and Spanish, but not their mother tongue, they ( girls) wear shorts to school, they never study and waste their time by reading story books. They like to eat pasta, steak etc that are not part of Indian culture, they talk about hot guys and girls and my son ( god forbid) applies hair styling gel on his hair every morning..

and I, their mother failed in my duty as an Indian mother to inculcate 'indianess' in them..
Must be a sad day for mankind.

Sprig of curry leaves..

2011-11-28T11:42:00.003+10:00

The thing with Malayalees is that, they complain much about life in kerala/India and love to live outside Kerala/India..But the truth is you can take a Malayalee out of Kerala, but you can never take out their food fads,prejudices and taboos that are so inherent in them.
They would never stop complaining if the fish curry didn't have curry leaves or if the kappa didn't have mustard seeds, because in Kerala, they get nice fish that they cook in meen chatti and buy fresh kappa from the junction!!

My grandmother used to make Sambharam for the weary travellers. In those days there were no restaurants one could just walk in to and order a drink. it was before the PET bottles were common and taking a bottle of water along was not practical. One depended on the generosity of people living near the main road, who would make sambharam and keep it in the kooja near the gate.
If that was how my grandmother treated strangers, one can imagine how she took care of her guests!!
I had relatives over recently..( unexpected, unwanted), nevertheless they are my relatives and I was going to show them respect and treat them well..
I tried
But my sins were too many for me to be a proper Malayalee!!
I was told over and over and over that I was a bad mother because I didn't teach my children to speak in Malayalam.
Since it was MY choice as to what I teach my children, I ignored the comment. My children, my rules..Simple. They were finding faults with everything my children were doing and were criticizing them. My children are experts in ignoring ..to such an extent that the complaints soon progressed to my children are not showing them respect!! Perhaps they didn't understand that respect is earned.
BTW, I still don't understand this. I have two recliners. Yaya was laying down on one recliner and reading her book. The other one, exactly the same type was empty.My relative had a tantrum cause when he came to the room, Yaya didn't get up from her chair and offer her chair to him. why was he barking like a mad dog at my child when there was an empty chair right next to the one Yaya was using??
When the said relatives couldn't get a rise out of me with their personal barbs about my children, they then proceeded to hurl invective at my cooking skills.
They were dying to eat Kappa and Meen curry. What is it with Malayalees that three weeks after leaving Kerala, they act as if they can't live another day if they don't get a bowl of kappa and meen curry?
Not enough that I had to cook rice and roti for lunch and dinner and also make something my kids would like to eat. ( there is no way my children would eat rice for lunch and dinner every single day)
But they are guests and guests must be treated well..so i drove to the nearest Indian grocer ( 65 km away) to buy frozen Kappa.
But did you know, frozen kappa is not as tasty as fresh kappa? (I am still missing the point here, what were they expecting?? I must start planting kappa??)
Did you know only tenggiri( neymeen) is good to eat with Kappa? ( My local super market sells bara, snapper and salmon)
How could I make fish curry with ready made ginger paste? ( in winter, fresh Ginger is 18$ a kilo and I refused to buy ginger at that price and resort to using ready made ginger paste)
They watched me closely as I cooked the fish curry just in case I screwed it up.. and they soon realized that there were no curry leaves.
I almost pictured them dialling 911, it was that serious!
They wanted to know where they can go and get curry leaves. Fish curry without curry leaves is not fish curry at all !!!!
My cousin has a huge curry leaf plant in her garden and if I call her, she would bring me some. But I was so tired of people who come and stay with you and expecting and wanting their life to be exactly as it was in kerala. So I told them, we don't get curry leaves in Queensland. ( I do feel guilty for lying, but I was just so tired of them)

Just for the record, it is highly possible that if you are visiting Gulf/US/UK where there are a lot of Malayalees, you can probably get everything you get in Kerala.
But some of us are not that lucky.
We use frozen kappa, make fish curry using red snapper or Bara and we probably don't get worked up if we don't get curry leaves. That doesn't make us any less Malayalee. We just adapt and do the best we can.
You could however be a bit nice and stop complaining and enjoy a nice meal, even if it is Kappa without mustard!!!!( and turmeric and curry leaves!!!)

Investing for my children

2011-11-25T19:16:00.002+10:00

My father stopped paying my tuition/hostel fees when I was studying 4th year MBBS. I had to send my marks sheet to him each year and I did without fail. My sister called my father to let him know that she was told by a reliable source ( read George) that I failed 3rd Year MBBS. My father was convinced that I forged my marks sheet and much as I tried, he refused to believe me. ( He did find out that I have been regularly signing on his behalf all the internal marks sheet, so he was more than convinced that I forged the marks sheet) I called my sister and begged her to call my college and speak to the Principal and ask if I passed 3rd year or not. She ignored me. ( How much I hated her then !!)
My father wanted me to apologize to him for trying to cheat him and after working so hard and scoring the highest marks for most subjects, there was no way I was going to apologize. My father decided not to send me money and I decided to show to him that I can and I will survive and finish my degree. (after all I am methran Thamby's grand daughter)
By then I had a single room, so no one in my batch knew what I was going through. I just told everyone that I was sick and tired of eating mess food and decided to cook my own food. Gangamma was in charge of sweeping my room and she knew what was going on. Every now and then she would bring (steal) a plate of rice and curry from the mess for me. She even used to make raggi balls for me and bring it with her to the hostel. I ate bread and banana whenever I was hungry. ( My hospital served lunch at 12 noon. The staff would bring huge aluminium pots that contain rice, sambar and vege to the wards..and the patients/relatives would to line up to get the food. Up to my third year, I used to look with great disdain at the type of food(crappy) and the poor pathetic people who waited to eat such pathetic food and in Year 4..when my stomach growled, I wondered if I could ask the staff for a plate of same crappy food.)

I got my cousin to buy salwars from Delhi ( cheap) and bring it with him to Bangalore ( free shipping) each time he came for a visit and sold the salwars ( marked up %) to my classmates and juniors. I also did tons of catering..( I used to supply cakes to expats living in Bangalore) I bought materials for my own salwars from the khadi exhibition and got them stitched at rural areas when ever I was posted there for community medicine projects..( Cheaper and the tailor was so happy that he was stitching the salwars for the village doctor, he would make it faster for me)
I couldn't afford to wear the salwars I was selling!!!
I did finish MBBS, without my father's financial support. My first salary ( 750 rs) as an intern..when I received it, I felt I was walking in the clouds..
Coming from such a background, I was even more determined that my children will never go through what I went through.
I buy a gold coin each year on their birthday. ( Even when I was struggling financially, I still bought a gold coin, albeit a smaller one)
Each of them have an education plan that I have been paying since their birth,
I have already kept sufficient money in FD in each child's name for them to buy an old junk when they go to Uni
( if they don't go to Uni, I will sell the gold, cash in the educations plan, use the money and sail around the world!!!)
But still my mind is never at peace..I still feel that I am not doing enough.
This year for Christmas I bought silver coins for them..( gold is getting too expensive and six gold coins in a year is not feasible)
Yaya and baby are getting the kangaroo at sunset and toothless is getting the year of the dragon coin..

Invictus (unconquered)

2011-11-24T10:53:00.002+10:00

I think,Invictus is one poem that would describe the real me..my relentless quest for knowledge and my pride and stubbornness..
I have achieved everything I set out to achieve. Often My head was bloodied..but it was always unbowed..
I used to read this poem for my children when they were little. My son mentioned yesterday that of all the poems I read to them, this is one poem that made a huge impact on him..
He said Mom, "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul".
That was all I wanted my children to learn..that their destiny is in their own hands..
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Earnest Henley

Black and white photographs

2011-11-22T11:52:00.002+10:00

Wanted
Black and white photographs from Kerala..
Yaya is doing a collage project..
Her subject is
Malayalees ( all encompassing eh??)
She is hoping to get a collection of old black and white photos ( older the better) of Malayalees.
if you have any old photos, would you please scan and email them to me. daofto at gmail dot com
Thanks
Sarah

Overheard

2011-11-21T09:32:00.002+10:00

Yaya: " six packs is what makes a guy 'hot'"
"Toothless: "OMG, I can't believe you said that ! What about his personality, his intelligence, his knowledge? How can you judge a guy by his physical attributes alone???"
This was followed by a 10 minutes argument of who is right and my son won the round..

few minutes later, while watching a YouTube music video
Toothless to Yaya, "OMG, look at her huge boobs..isn't she sexy???"
And I am still laughing..

Tempus Fugit

2011-11-18T11:05:00.003+10:00

Many years ago, I was invited to a dance party. It was held in one of my friend's house. We had to cart all the furniture in the living room to the balcony, so there was room to dance..What I remember the most of that evening dancing in a room with no furniture was the wall clock she had..It didn't have any number on it. just two words "tempus fugit" ( time flies).
Tempus fugit is the first Latin phrase I taught my kids.
When you teach children, you expect them to understand what you are trying to teach them.. No?? You don't really expect that your children can teach you a thing or two..
Yesterday my youngest wanted to go to the library because she finished reading the books we borrowed on Tuesday. So I took her ( the fact that the library is air conditioned and that it was 31 degrees yesterday also played a part in my decision to take her to the library)
I do prefer the kids go to bed at 9 pm ( except on Friday which is 'any time o'clock bed time)
My son has been the first to push the bed time rule..he does switch off the light at 9 pm and then read using the phone torch..So I gave up trying to force the kids to sleep at 9.
My youngest went to bed at 11 pm last night. Before she turned off the light, she came to me and told me" Mom, please wake me up early tomorrow morning, I haven't done my home work"
She is given the home work on Monday and has to submit the completed work on Friday. At 11 pm, just before she went to bed, I didn't want to scold her. But I was very angry with her.
I woke her up at 6.30 this morning.
Yaya wanted Panini for school lunch and I was busy in the kitchen.
I went to check on the homework progress to find my child laying down on my bed and reading her book.
"Have you done your home work?" I asked her"
"not yet mom, don't worry, I will do it now"
I was pretty mad at her, so I raised my voice and told her to
"get up now and do your home work"
"jeez mom, what is your problem?" She asked, while continuing to read her book
My blood was boiling..The nerve she has..and she dares to ask me what is my problem, not enough that she was not even looking at me.
"my problem is 'time flies' and you haven't done your home work and you need to submit it today, you should have done your home work on Monday and you waited until Friday morning. This is unacceptable"
She raised her head over the top of the book and looked at me for a few seconds and then replied

"Mom, time sure flies, but you are forgetting that there is a time for everything. If I did my home work on Monday or 10 minutes before it is due on Friday, the end result is still the same, so leave me alone"
The truth is I was lost for words.. I was tempted to do a mallu style argument, tharkkutharam parayunnodi..But the truth is, she was right. I don't know why I am forcing them to do their home work in advance when the end result is still the same.
She did finish her home work at 8.25 am, then got me to check it to make sure that she didn't make any mistakes.
Tempus fugit..may be not really

indeed.

2011-11-17T12:20:00.004+10:00

He is 11..
Almost my height.
inherited my fiery temper.
Loves to play soft ball with me.
hates cleaning his room.
will complain till the end of time when I ask him to do simple things.( feeding the chooks or collect the eggs), yet when I am doing anything that involves actual physical labour(carrying the grocery bags to the car etc), he will help me without me asking him.
I have never asked him to mow the lawn, he does that on his own initiative.
I go after him like a ton of bricks when he puts all his T-shirts for washing. ( he does that to avoid hanging his clothes in the closet. When we go out somewhere, He takes 5 to 6 T-shirts from the hangers, try them on and won't put them back, instead he puts it all for wash knowing that I will most likely hang them in his closet when they are dry!!) He still does it every single time!
When I ask him "who is his current crush?" He answers "mom, I am a boy, I can't just have crush on one girl!!!"
When he is hungry, he eats a can of tuna, he actually takes a can of tuna as a spare in his lunch bag, just in case..
When I drop him at school and if he is mad at me ( often because I make him fold his blanket), he will walk off without giving me a kiss. All I have to do is wait..cause I know how much ever angry he is, he will still come back to give me the kiss.
My job each morning is to pick what deodorant he should use. He has a collection of Lynx.
He thinks I am a super cool mom because I bought him an AC/DC T-shirt..
But more than anything..he download songs for me. He listens to almost same type of music that I like.
This was send yesterday. I haven't heard this song for ages .. I actually prefer Garth brooks singing the song though..

the rat, the bat,

2011-11-09T09:35:00.003+10:00

About a month ago, Yaya was cleaning her room and I heard this shriek followed by her frantically calling her brother's name. Since she wasn't calling me, I felt I will wait and see what is going on.
Her brother went to her room and I could hear both of them mumbling and things being moved.
Then I heard my son laughing .
"Mom" He screamed "You got to come and see this"
I went inside to see what is going on to find my son holding a black socks and laughing and his sister is practically bashing him and pleading with him not to tell anyone.
The story was, while cleaning her room, Yaya found 'this' dead rat under her bed!!!! and was getting her brother to help her remove the dead rat..
And now, nobody calls it socks anymore. Mom,where is my dead rat? is the usual dialogue each morning ( and one might wonder what my neighbours think about us)

Few days ago, I wanted to finish reading The litigators ( John Grisham) and I was a bit thirsty and thought I would make myself a cup of tea ( at 3 am!)
It was so quiet and I was trying not to make any noise while I slowly stirred the sugar and I heard this mighty crash, door being slammed, screeching, someone running to my room and then slamming the door and more screaming. (It is still a miracle how I didn't spill my tea.)
I was frozen to the spot. For the love of mankind, I hadn't the slightest clue what in the world was going on.
Then I heard more noise and the bhootham came to the kitchen, banging everything on her way ( Yaya is blind as a bat and a known calamity Jane and a walking disaster) and still screaming..
"Mom, what are you doing in the kitchen? Why are you awake now? Why were you not in your bed? there is a bat in my room" all in one breath
"Mom do something" She was now dragging me to her room
"wait, what bat?" I asked
"There is a bat in my room Mom" She was getting agitated by the seconds
Logically speaking, there is no chance that a bat could enter her room.
At 3 am, there is no time for logic.
So I grabbed my rolling pin for protection ( those who laugh at me will turn in to toads, I swear)
Like Poirot, we, the world famous bat exterminators armed with rolling pin opened the door slowly.
"look" Yaya pointed to the corner of her room
I looked..
I switched on the light
"Mom, don't switch on the light, she screamed
I couldn't stop laughing, which made my child look at the bat
a piece of crepe paper , that was stuck at the end of the tape, which she has forgotten to remove after her Halloween party!!

Help pls

2011-11-08T00:03:00.002+10:00

This is one such moment I wish I had a brother, so I could ask him..
Alas, I have no brother and my blog is the next option.
My car gear box is a tad unusual
It has a plus sign after the N, then there is a S right after the D and a minus sign right underneath the S.
What does the plus, the minus sign and the S stands for?
( I know I should read the instruction manual..I am hoping someone would explain in simple terms, rather than me trying to read and understand the manual)

Racism

2011-11-04T12:16:00.003+10:00

I come from a family that still practices some sort of Ayitham (?Untouchability)
The workers/maids/servants etc that work for members of my family still have their own plates and cups and are not allowed to use the family utensils. Their clothes are washed separately. They will be lucky if they are given a room..( often they sleep on a mat in the kitchen floor)
I have often wondered if untouchabilty is not a kind of racism? Otherwise why would it matter that the people who work for you must use a separate set of dishes? Aren't they human?
As a child, that too a child from the upper class ( with royal family connection to boot), I never faced any sort ayitham..I followed the ayitham rules to the T..Don't share your water bottle with others, don't share the food, don't play with the kids who are from lower casts. walk with your head held high..etc etc.
So it was a big shock when I was called a Madrasi by a Bihari senior at the medical college during ragging. I was so angry, My blood was boiling. How dare someone call me a Madrasi, when I am a Malayalee?( remember I was 17 yrs old then and my world knowledge and exposure was a bit limited)
But eventually the anger fizzed out. Basically there was no point trying to explain to someone that skin colour isn't what makes one a better/worst person.
I was busy reading books.So I ignored the taunts. ( dating a north indian guy helped as well, for I was considered one of them!)
The next time I faced racism was in England.
It was a very cold winter afternoon. I was busy reading my book and missed my tram stop. So I had to walk few blocks back to my apt. ( so obviously I was in a bad mood) and this dude came and stood right in front of me and told me " hey paki, go back to your country" I don't think he was expecting a lecture about where Pakistan is..but he did. ( By the way, I probably would have been more cautious if he told me that today and would have walked away rather than scream at him and tell him to learn geography first before coming and insulting me)

I was called a kling couple of times in Malaysia. The first time I was with my younger sister and the guy who called us Kling ended up apologizing ( the fact that my sister was holding him by the shirt collar may have helped)
Nevertheless, you tend to ignore it after a while..
Life in Canada was a bliss..No one ever said anything to make me feel inferior..
I was a bit concerned moving to Australia.
I taught my children that they are not above or below anyone and nobody has the right to call them names.
I live in an area where I am yet to meet another Indian. But no one called me names.
Few months ago, I was driving through a construction zone ( 40k) and being the good girl that I am, I followed the speed limit. ( I am only one offence away from getting my license suspended for a good 6 months is also an added incentive to be a good girl!!) This lady driving a ute was rather agitated with the fact that I was going slow. She flashed her lights few times. But Alas,I have no intention of taking public transport for 6 months. Finally when the road became two lane, she over took me, rolled down the windows and asked me, "where did you get your license from?"
I being the smart girl that I am, asked her back " What makes you think I have one?"
You should have seen her face.. but that was the only time anyone tried to bully me here.
So all was good..so I thought.
yesterday I picked the kids from school. My son was not looking very happy.
perhaps it was the weather, I thought ( It is getting a bit hot and my kids don't like summer much)
I had made bubble tea for them. But that didn't seem to improve his moods.
I wanted to ask him is everything alright?
But knowing him, I thought I would leave him alone for little while and see if he would come and tell me what is bothering him.
(Besides, I just got a copy of Rushdie's Haroun and the sea of stories and wanted to read it)
I went to my room to read my book and few minutes later my son came to my room.
He had tears in his eyes and he told me
"Mom, someone called me a Nigger at school today"
I was shocked. It was unbelievable..
It affected my son, because he knew the word is extremely derogatory in N.America.
I hugged him and told him that I understood how it feels when someone calls you names.
I explained to him why some people have dark skin and the benefits of having dark skin.. ( No need to wear sun screen !!!!!)
I told him about the dude who had an unexpected lesson in geography. ( Mom what if he had a knife, my son asked me, well I wouldn't be here to tell you the story then, I told him)
Apparently, my son has been told to get off the barbecue ( ie he is dark skinned because he was burned!) called a mud pud ( pudding) and his classmates were joking that when God created people he burned some of them..
I told my son, yup it is true.. God indeed burned some of them..but then he felt rather sorry and took the brain from the unburned ones and put it in the burned ones to compensate!!
My son was laughing..
I have informed the school authorities and they have taken appropriate action..
I am writing this..to ask each of you..how prejudiced are you?? What will you do when someone calls your child a name?

Unending love

2011-11-03T22:10:00.000+10:00

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.

Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it's age-old pain,
It's ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.

You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.
Tagore
Happy Birthday

Ah the joy !!!

2011-11-02T14:28:00.003+10:00

Yesterday, She ( my youngest) won a Rubik's cube..for getting 100% for maths test.
Yesterday was our day to visit the library and as usual I bought the kids iced coffee.. Iced coffee is our library day treat..She brought the Rubik's cube to the cafe and I explained how the algorithm works..which made no sense to her, but her brother understood it immediately and he wanted to have a go at it.
But No, she wouldn't let him have it
She won it, so it was hers.
I was very annoyed with her.
I could have used my maternal rights and made her share the Rubik's cube with her brother. But then again, she won it, so she could make that choice as to share it or not.
I did tell her that she was being a brat, especially because she was not playing with the Rubik's cube and won't let her brother have it.
On our way back home, she did give her brother the Rubik's cube. And he managed to get three sides done before we reached home.
But I was still ticked off with her.
This morning, we were running late ( nothing new!!)
I got off the car for the usual, three hugs and three kisses.. ( from the time she was a baby, she asked for three hugs and three kisses, I haven't got the slightest clue, why three?)
Then just as I was leaving, she called me and I turned to look at her. She opened her palm and I noticed that she was holding a Turkish delight chocolate in her hand.( She must have got it from the Halloween trick or treat)
She knows, I don't normally eat chocolate, but I am rather fond of Turkish delight..
She made my day..

My grandmother's home (Maternal)

2011-11-01T13:45:00.005+10:00

As you enter the drive way, the first thing you would notice was the tall mangosteen tree. It was my grandmother's pride and joy..and folly..( it never once bore fruits !!) everyone wanted that tree to be cut off, like it was said in the bible...but my grandmother refused. She was pretty sure it was going to bear fruit one day..So the tree stayed.
As you continue to walk, you will see a row of hibiscus, then there was lilly of the valley ( the blooms smelled divine), then there was a huge Jasmine plant, just by the side of the main steps.
If I behaved, then my grandmother would make me a jasmine chain to wear on my motta thala, She made the chain in the night, sprinkled with water and wrapped it in Banana leaves, so the flowers stayed fresh till next morning.
Then you will see the trellis..blue colour..there were two huge wooden trellis that formed the living room wall. Pretty unusual design for a house. I was allowed to stand inside the house and watch the rain through the gaps in the trellis as a child. ( occasionally when no one was watching, I also climbed up the trellis to touch the ceiling!)
There were two identical rooms on either side of the living room. One for my grandmother and the other for my grandfather. My grandfather worked for the British and he was a man of few words. I was told that I inherited a lot of my quirkiness from him. He was a perfectionist. His room remained the same way, even after he died. I think my grandmother just couldn't bring herself to change anything..
He had an easy chair made of fabric which is held on to the wooden frame by two wooden dowels. ( it was a delight to remove one of the dowels and watch the fun, when an unsuspecting sister or cousin sat on the chair..which was often followed by plenty of thrashings!!)
Of all the things in my grandmother's house, the most unusual part was the walls of the house. The living room was painted with green kummayam, her bedroom was painted with pink kummayam. Only my grandfather's room had white walls..the rest of the house was colourful. If you stood outside, the house looked like any other suriani kristiani homes of the 50's..Yet it was the most colourful house inside..
My grandmother was a very short, very soft spoken woman. I don't ever remember snuggling next to my mother as a child. But I do remember laying down with my grandmother in the afternoons, after she finished her chores..She would read the news paper and I would be reading my story book. Often I woke up to the smell of rava ladoo being made for my evening snack.
She knew, I regularly took a swipe of her nellikka wine..She would never tell my mother..It was our secret.
She never missed a single festival.. I was her accomplice. We even went to watch a drama at a school, neither of us have ever been before and after!
She cried all the way back home after watching a movie of Jesus's Crucifixion..I remember feeling sad, not because of the Crucifixion, but because it made my grandmother sad.
My grandmother always soaked the fruits for the Christmas cake in rum on first of Nov...
I did too
To remember the good times, I also drank some of the rum..nellikka wine tasted much better

Guilty

2011-10-13T08:41:00.002+10:00

Today, my baby had to take her shower using freezing cold water and I am responsible for it.
I feel very guilty.
All three of my children take their shower in the morning and Yaya takes the shower first, because she has to catch the bus to school.
Qld has water restriction and I used that excuse to get everyone to take a quick shower..Which worked pretty well, till Yaya declared herself to be the queen of the household and decided to take an hour long shower and finish the hot water in the tank!
I explained, threatened, cajoled, pleaded for her to think of her younger siblings, especially the youngest child who never gets any hot water..
Nothing worked.
Today I turned off the hot water after 10 minutes.
She had a very cold shower... really cold shower.. she was shivering when she came out..
I feel so miserable.
Being a mom is a wonderful thing..living with guilt is not so wonderful.

Favourite

2011-10-12T09:07:00.002+10:00

My youngest is doing a school project and has to write about my childhood!!!
All was well till she asked me what was my favourite childhood TV show..

The year was 1983. I was in 8th standard and Appa was home for holidays. Beginning 1981, there were regular articles in Malayala manorma about those who bought TV !! Including an article about a chayakkada karan who had many fold increase in patronage because of he was smart enough to buy a TV and install a few meters long antenna!
Mrs. KM Mathew's outreach center ( something similar to that, can't remember the name right now) even had a free Video night, where they screened the movie Disco dancer. ( Ps, Mithun Chakraborty, you were the best!!)

But we had no TV.
According to the person who studied child psychology ( my mother) and all her learned esteemed friends have suggested that TV was bad for children and therefore we were not going to get one.
But, there was one small problem.
I was then as I am now crazy for Car races. It was the time for Himalayan Car rally and appachan next door and I were a team who decided there is no way we were going to miss watching the races. Appachan bought the TV and much to my father's chagrin, I was least bit embarrassed to go to my neighbour's house and watch TV.
Appa finally felt it was much better to buy our own a TV and without consulting Amma, he went and bought a BPL tv. ( which my mother sold for the same price Appa bought it 20 years later)
That evening, my parents had a fight because Amma wanted her radio installed next to TV because she was not going to miss her regular kandathum kettathum and Appa insisted that with the arrival of TV, the radio will not be used again. I do have to agree that my father was right and the radio was never used after we got the TV.)
But as such what was my favourite childhood TV shows?
Every Thursday evening there was Chitrahar.
Then there was some kids program in English on Sunday morning. ( all I remember is that there was a dolphin!! Obviously my English language proficiency was not that good then). Laurel and hardy. Charlie Chaplin shows.
Was there any programs that I have forgotten about that would be classified as tv shows in late 80's??

October 7

2011-10-07T07:24:00.002+10:00

Another October 7th..
My memory is becoming foggy. How old would you have been today? 15 or 16?
It is simple to calculate. I just have to remember when I was in England. somehow, today I don't want to calculate.
That doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you.
The thing about losing something that one treasures so much is that, you will never be forgotten.You will always be in my heart.
ALWAYS.

Cultural police

2011-10-05T07:50:00.004+10:00

I wonder if it is the cultural ideology that has been forced down the throats of Indian generations over the years that makes them so damned blind.
We started with Bharath Matha, then there were other's that glorified the maternal roles played by women, ( how often one found wonderful mothers and villainous mothers in law in the hindi movies..)
Biju, what you and ilks of you won't ever understand is that
Carrying a child for 9 months, giving birth, wiping the child's butt will not make one a mother. ( every animal in the animal kingdom does that..may be not wiping the butt.. )

There are mothers who aborted their baby and not even give that baby a chance to be born, (often a female foetus). what do you call them?
There are mothers who abandons their new born babies in the skip to be eaten by stray dogs, what do you call them?
There are mothers who never fed their daughters, what do you call them?
There are mothers who sold their daughters? What do you call them?

Carrying a child, giving birth, breast feeding, bathing, cleaning after a child..anyone can do it.
The above acts, however will not give you an immunity from all the abuses you have inflicted on your child. ( the mother's in India continue to get immunity because, neither the court nor the justice system will ever accept that a mother can do harm and so long as people like you continue your charade of maternal glorification, children who have endured abuses in the hands of their mothers keep quiet and suffer in silence)
When you can understand that simple fact being a mother is not about giving birth and taking care of your baby, perhaps then you will be able to accept that just as there are good mothers, there are evil ones too.
Much as it hurts to say it, mine was and is an evil one.
If you were fortunate enough to have had a good mother, consider yourself lucky, but don't you dare take the liberty to tell me that just because my mother did all the carrying, giving birth etc to me, I must simply accept her abuses.

To my parents

2011-10-04T14:09:00.002+10:00

They say, one can never chose their parents..
It is so bloody true, cause if I ever had a choice, I would pick neither of you..
Both of you constantly chanted that your children meant the world to you, yet I have never seen anyone more self centered than either of you.
Appa, For the longest time, I wished I was a boy, so I could give you one tight slap. Just to pay you back for the years of misery you inflicted on us.
I haven't forgotten the cries of the hen you hung upside down on the clothes line, just because it was dumb enough to shit on your shoes. The stupid hen was alive for 5 hours.. In the beginning it cried so much and then the sound became feeble and then it died. I was 3 years old. Did you really think that I will forget that? ( and it was a big puzzle for you, why I never eat meat!)
I haven't forgotten how you hit, kicked and punched my mother for every little thing.
I haven't forgotten anything.
Yet, I chose to forgive you each and every time.Because you are my father..but I want you to know that at no time I have forgotten a thing that you have done. You made me an insecure woman. The one who hates to make friends ( because I hated to cover up for you. It was much easier if I didn't have any friends, then no one knew about you.)

Amma, You should have never had children. You are a conniving, vengeful, calculative woman. I have often wondered, why is that a million woman who would make the best mother's in the world were never given children, yet a monster like you was blessed 4 times?
You played the divide and rule so well. You turned the 4 of us against each other, so you could be in perfect control.
I haven't forgotten how you hid food from chechy. You tried the same stunt to me, but unlike chechy, I knew to cook. But the dramas you played in front of others..You were the epitome of caring and kind mother..you were really a class act.
I haven't forgotten your cruelty..some of the things you have done are too traumatising to even write here.

Few weeks ago, I was asked if I was sure that I was my father's child. The thing is, I don't know.
No one should have the right to ask a child who his or her father is..If it happened, then the parents must take full and total responsibility for their actions. If it wasn't for either of you, I would have never been asked that question. I hate you both absolutely. ( even at the age of forty, I still pay for your sins)

Sticks and stones

2011-10-03T07:42:00.002+10:00

When my children were little, I used to read and teach them poetry and rhymes. One such rhyme was
"Sticks and stones
will break my bones
but names will never hurt me."
I believed it was very important that my children learn to cope when someone called them names. ( especially because at that time we were living in Malaysia and being a Keling, I knew they will probably face name calling of some form)
I have always thought few steps ahead..thought by teaching a simple rhyme, I was protecting my children..
Someone called me a bitch recently.
I have never once claimed to be a perfect human being.. I have even written an article about the "bitch that I am"
Yet when I was called a bitch, my world crumbled.
I went through the classic stages of anger, disbelief and denial.
I wish I could say that names will never hurt me.. I am 40 years old for heaven's sake.
But it did
more so, because I don't even know if I really am my father's child.

Inside out

2011-09-13T19:16:00.002+10:00

Years ago...many many years ago.. I walked from Kanjikuzhy junction to collectorate on a school day, wearing my school uniform.
As I walked, I noticed people kind of staring at me, snickering, laughing etc.
Even at the age of 12, I was a total lost case.
I didn't even understand that they were laughing at me. I was clueless.
Finally I reached the collectorate bus stand. Then a very nice chechy very kindly informed me that I am wearing my skirt inside out!!!
The thing is, I had to twist the skirt to put the hook on and how is that I didn't realize my skirt is inside out should never baffle you.. Like I mentioned..I am a lost case
And you know what is worst?
I had a presentation this morning with few high flying dudes. I was dressed to the nines. Gina Bacconi Jacket and skirt!!!!
As I was presenting the project project, I looked down to see that I wore my blouse inside out..and I am sure everyone noticed....I want the earth to open up and swallow me..NOW

Dead Malayalee

2011-09-09T09:49:00.002+10:00

Today is onam..
Each year, the malayalee in me is dying a slow ( and painful ) death.
If I tell my children that today is Onam, they will say "Oh really, where is the money ( kai neettam)". Technically Kai neettam was for vishu, but amma used to give us onam kai neettam and I continued the tradition.
This morning as I was making the lunch for the kids, Yaya came to me and asked if the shorts and t shirt she is wearing match well? I looked at my beautiful child. Pictured her in a silk pavada and blouse. a dozen kuppi vala ( bangles) on her arms, jimukki ( earrings) and may be a mulla mottu mala ( necklace). The truth is, there is no way I can get Yaya to wear any of those. She will not wear a dress, let alone skirt.
I did think of making at least something "malayalee" for dinner. But my son will be coming home this evening and I think he would have missed home cooked food. He loves Russian cabbage rolls, so I am planning to make that for dinner.
I could always tell the kids the story of Onam.
But for what?
They don't identify as a malayalee and why am I carrying this dying malayalee around?
Wishing you all a very happy onam..and those of you lucky enough to enjoy a day like I used to as a child.. I envy you

Zero

2011-09-07T13:33:00.002+10:00

This morning my youngest asked me if I knew how Amazon river got its name.
Of course I knew
It is a delight to know something, especially in front of ones children who forever are thinking that their mother is a classic case of Jurassic park!!
With a 70 mm smile I told her
"Amazon river is in the Amazon basin and got its name from that" ( almost similar to what Nina Thomas answered when Community medicine prof asked her to define Community medicine.."study of community is called community medicine". Now you have to give me credit for keeping a straight face while giving such a wonderful answer!)
"Mom" My child gave that exasperated look. "Do you know where the word amazon came from? And no it is not a Mayan/incan/other south american word" She replied, effectively closing my various exit outlets.
Let me tell you how difficult it is to tell your 9 year old child that you don't know how the Amazon river got its name. ( BTW, what exactly did they teach us when we went to school??)
Long story short.. I ate the humble pie
I thought I had my dose for the day, till she asked me if I knew who the Amazon women were.
And no, I didn't even try to tell her that the Amazon women were the inhabitants of Amazon basin!! I think she would have disowned me.
So this is what I learned, ( from my 9 yr old)
Amazon women were legendary warriors. A tribe of women warriors. Probably lived during the bronze age.
Homer did mention about them in Illiad as "Amazons who go to war like men".
Heracles had to bring the girdle of Hippolyta as part of the 12 labors of Heracles.
Spaniards in their quest for El dorado, encountered hostile Indian women warriors who were supposedly very tall and fair. They thought the women warriors are the fabled Amazons warriors and named the river Amazon,

I now have to read more about Amazon warriors so I can keep my 70 mm smile, ( according to the same 9 year old, I must stop frowning, or my face will be like a freshly ploughed field.. Don't you love children who are honest?)

half the house

2011-09-05T13:05:00.002+10:00

I dropped my son this morning to his school for a week long school camp.
As a rule I never pack my children's bags because they need to know what they have to take with them, most importantly they need to know where it is kept. So I let them do it themselves. ( it didn't always work well all the time, we have had times where one of my children have left the most important stuff like clean underwear's at home!!)
Yaya took a small back pack when she went for the camp. My son took three bags. I have no idea what he has taken with him, I know they are all very important..

Dinner times are going to be very difficult without my son. He is the joker of the family
for eg.
I told Yaya, fish is rich in Omega 3 and is good for your brain
My son responds immediately "what brain?"
The other day, we had a massive hail storm. It happened on the same day Yaya decided to stop drinking juice and drink water instead. ( Yaya never drinks water, only juice)
I said the hail was because of Yaya..
My son replied " Mom, the hails are the eyes of gods that popped out when they saw Yaya drinking water!!
Yesterday I told my son for something that he is like me. He replied " Mom, poison apple doesn't fall too far from the tree!!"

I send him a parcel this morning. I packed a wacky drinking straw that goes around the face, head etc. Latest New scientist and national geographic magazine and a puzzle box" Hopefully he will get it in time.

Argggh

2011-09-04T19:59:00.003+10:00

Well..My son is going for a 5 days of school camp tomorrow. Though I am the last minute sorta person, I did manage to get everything he needed to take with him on time. I was proud of my ability to organize things well and decided to celebrate my achievements by opening a nice bottle of red.
My excitement lasted till Yaya came to me and asked
"So what did you send for him?"
You know that feeling?? like the air in your helium balloon is lost all of a sudden kind of feeling??

Well, the thing is, Yaya went for the same camp 2 years ago. Because it was just a few weeks after we came to Australia and she hadn't made a lot of friends, I had send a parcel to the camp in her name in advance.

I did think of sending something for my son.
But what do you send for a boy? You can't send toys, food, electronic stuff etc
It was so easy to send something for Yaya. I send her a cuddly toy, some arty stuff, pens, a disposable camera..etc
I really couldn't think of anything I could send for my son.
I thought no one will remember about the fact I send something for Yaya and all will be well..

I weaseled myself out by saying it is a surprise and I am not telling anyone.
How do I tell about something that is not send??

Tomorrow I must go and get something and send it by priority mail, so my son would get it in the next few days..
anyone has any ideas??

Nostalgic

2011-09-02T14:18:00.002+10:00

Two posts in a day??
Writing is a catharsis to a tormented soul..
My son is 11..he played along Urnaggunna kurukkan this morning for me.
Soon he will be a teenager..I am sure things will change..
It should
that is the norm..
But I don't change, do I? I will still be the same.

Someone posted a MLTR song on my FB wall
In 1998, I was living in Ampang and yaya was 7 months old. My apt used to have a little balcony and it faced the KL tower and twin towers. I was given a MLTR disc as a gift. ( the only CD I had at that time). I would play the cd each evening and hold Yaya and dance with her, while watching for the lights to come on in the KL tower.. I don't know if they still do it, but in those days they would change the KL tower light colours for special occasions. It was such a magnificent sight.
One of the yaya's favourite words as a child was tin tawa.. ( for twin tower). She loved tin tawa so much..
Kids grow up so fast..
I used to think that my obligations as a parent would be over when my youngest is 18..and now I dread the thought of my empty nest.

Urangunna Kurukkan

2011-09-02T07:14:00.002+10:00

My father used to play Uranggunna kurukkan ( the sleeping fox) game with us when we were little.
sometimes he had to work late and when he came back home my sisters and I would be in bed often pretending to be fast asleep. Appa would come to our room and call out the youngest child's name and say
"Uranggunna kurukkan kai pokkum" ( sleeping fox will lift their hands), and the gullible little idiot would promptly lift her hand and get us all in to trouble!!!
I have played the same game with my kids since they were babies.
It started with telling them the story of how all little foxes and little babies lift their hand when they are fast asleep!!!
I went a bit further than my father..
sleeping fox will wave their hand like the queen, touch their nose with their pinky etc..

My son's room is the closest to the kitchen. This morning I was making Pizza for school lunch and while the pizza was in the oven, I thought I will kacau ( irritate, harass, annoy etc) my son. I knew he was awake, but pretending to sleep.
So I gave him a kiss and told him Uranggunna kurukkan kai pokkum..He lifted his leg!! Then I said Uranggunna kurukkan thala kulukkum ( shake his head) He waved his hands..
My son doesn't understand a word of malayalam.. but still played along..
I cherish these moments..
It was so much fun..

Fear and thrill

2011-08-31T07:43:00.003+10:00

I am not the one who usually like to plan ahead.
I am the last minute ( rather almost last minute) person.
For eg, last Sunday Yaya had to attend the optiminds competition and it was over at 12 noon. As we were driving back home, I asked the kids what is the plan for the rest of the day?
They all wanted to go for a long drive.
So the options were North, South, East or West.
We usually head to Byron bay every alternate week and had been to Byron bay the week before. So south was out.
I suggested Sunshine coast. We didn't have any beach gear with us. So ruled out
Eventually we decided we will head to Kingaroy ( North West of Brisbane)
Filled the fuel, bought coffee at Coles express and headed to Kingaroy..
On the way we passed by the Nanango Go-Kart center. So I stopped the car, kids and I went for Go Kart rides..
By the time we finished it was around 4 pm, and we decided to head back home.
We had such a good time
Nothing was planned in advance and lots of good memories..

I actually prefer not to plan things in advance. I am scared that if I do plan in advance then things won't work out well
I had asked the kids where they want to go for the Christmas holidays ( 2 months of school summer break)
They said they missed eating Malaysian food. ( So did I..)
As December is a peak tourist season, I had no choice but to book and buy the tickets in advance..
Christmas in Malaysia..am so excited..( and scared trying to imagine all sorts of things that can potentially go wrong because I planned ahead and then blogged about it as well)
I have the airtickets, but not sure where we will be staying..or what we are going to do for 3 weeks..But it will be fun.. Imagine not having to cook for three weeks!!!

white socks

2011-08-29T22:57:00.002+10:00

Now, I am no fashion guru, However, the one thing that annoys me the most is the propensity of Indian guys ( often the kottayam achayans) wearing white socks with pants.
White socks are part of sports gear..
When you wear formal pants, you are supposed to match your socks to your pants ( and if it is extremely formal, match your socks to your pocket square)
I know I sound so silly, cribbing about the colour of the socks..
But what makes a man a real man is the attention to simple details.
A well dressed man..(Remember the gwalior suitings ad of the late 80's and early 90's?)... "The complete man"!!!

Gratitude

2011-08-26T14:29:00.002+10:00

I am sitting on my bed as I type this post
The news paper, my phone, a packet of Kettle cooked chips ( the only chips I like to eat) is by my side. There is a mountain of books on my dressing table that I was meant to have read and gave it away. My favourite rocker that I picked up from the op shop is piled with clothes. I no longer know which is clean and which needs to be washed, so I must wash the whole lot one of these days.

There are some books, clothes hanger, stuffed toys on the floor, which reminds me that I haven't vacuumed the floor last week.
I can see an empty can of sprite on my book shelf..Yaya had left it there few weeks ago and I was meant to have told her to throw it in the bin
This is just my bedroom.
In the living room.. I cleaned the dining table this morning. It is baby's job to clean the table after each meal. Somehow she never does it and I keep forgetting to get her to do it. The table cloth really needs a wash. I was meant to have bought a plastic table cloth..
It has been raining non stop the past few days and I didn't want to use the clothes dryer. So the couch and the futon has become temporary clothes line. I should fold the clothes and put them away.
There are still two plastic bags of grocery on the kitchen floor... from last sunday ..

So technically..my house is a mess..
I probably am a failure
But that is ok..
Much as I know I am not Martha stewart, I am grateful that I am me.. that I am still happy..that I have three healthy, happy kids..
I think in the end, it is not if my house looks like a show home that matters.. what matters is that I haven't lost the me..I am still the same..
Am to be judged by how shiny my kitchen sink is.. or how happy the kids and I are?

dietitian

2011-08-24T17:14:00.001+10:00

If you are or know anyone who is a dietitian, pls mail me. (daofto at gmail )
Thanks
S

Loved it

2011-08-19T22:23:00.000+10:00

CC

2011-08-18T10:34:00.002+10:00

two days ago, I was in the kitchen getting the breakfast and school lunch ready. The fact that I was sick ( bad case of flu) and that I got up late didn't make it any easier.
I could hear Yaya rummaging through my closet.
I looked at the clock. 7.02 am
I was planning to make a wrap for lunch and found that the packet only had two tortillas..
I hate it much when I have to change my plans. I was getting agitated by the minute
"You are running late" I hollered out to Yaya
"Mom, I am not blind" She replied
I was tempted to ask "really? " But held my tongue
I can see the bus stop from the kitchen
I watched the 7.15 bus that my child is supposed to take arriving and then leaving the bus stop.
"You missed the bus" I couldn't resist announcing
"So? There is always another bus Mom" she replied
true also I thought.
Finally she came out of her room.
I looked at her.
Speechless
Stunned
according to my son, it was the first time he saw my jaw dropping to the ground.
This is what I saw
She wore my bright tie and dye t shirt, a blue shorts, she had an assorted sets of jewellery on her neck, all mismatched. She wore a giant stone necklace as a head gear..my batik sarong as a cape. she held a wand in one hand and flowers in the other hand.
"What?" She asked
I still couldn't talk
so she replied
"Today is super hero day at my school and I decided to be captain colourful"
Finally I asked her
"Are you going to take the bus to school" Somehow I couldn't really picture my child wearing such an outrageous costume and daring to take the public transport.
"Why not?"
Her siblings and I watched her walking to the bus stop, we could see everyone looking at her and we could picture everyone staring at her as she walked to the school from the bus station.
My son summed it all up
"she is cool"
I agreed

widow for one year

2011-08-14T01:43:00.002+10:00

I am a creature of habit. I like certain genre of books.. I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books and have no plans of ever reading it. all three of my kids have read the whole series more than once and have tried their level best to entice me to read it. I am not in to Harry Potter. simple..period.
I also have the patience of a minnow..the maximum time I take to read a novel is 24 hrs. There are very few books that took me more than 24 hours to finish reading.

I was given a box of books by some stranger and a widow for one year by John Irving was one among the collection. Would I have bought it had I seen it? No. It was not the type of book I liked to read. But because it was a gift and because I had no idea who gave me the gift, I thought I might as well read it. ( May be I thought if I read the book, it might give me some clue as to the giver of the gift..could it be the handsome dude, I see often at the bus stop?? ( kidding)

It took me 4 days to finish reading it.
I absolutely hated the book.
The worst, i don't even know why I hated it so much. I loathed the plot, the narration, the back and forth way the story was going..It was just awful..I can't even remember hating a book as much as I hated this one..
ps..it is 1.56 am..and my bike rider was an hour late..i just heard him ride past my house..

Eddie Mabo

2011-08-04T07:33:00.002+10:00

Baby's Eddie Mabo project

Eddie Mabo

Good morning 4E. Today I will be talking about Eddie Mabo’s heroic acts on saving the aboriginals’ original rights to their lands.

Eddie Mabo was born as Eddie Koiki Sambo but changed his name later in life. He was born in Murray island on the 29th June 1936. the son of Robert Zezou Sambo and Annie Mabo of the Piadaram clan. His mother died in childbirth and as a result his Uncle Benny Mabo and Aunt Maiga adopted him under customary law.

He lived in Townsville and was working in the railways. This was an important turning point in Eddie’s life.Through his work in the railroads he met many other Torres Straight islanders like him. He became spokesperson for the railroad workers and often voiced their opinions to the trade union officials.

In 1959, he opened the first black school in Townsville.

I believe that, Eddie Mabo is one of the hidden heroes of Australian history. He is famous for his role in campaigning for indigenous land rights. Prior to Eddie Mabo challenging the rule, The British and the Australian law was that Australia was 'no man's land', meaning the Aboriginal people who has lived in Australia for ever and was here before the British arrived had no rights to their land.
The High Court of Australia ruled that under Australian law, Indigenous people have rights to land - rights that existed before colonisation and which still exist. This right is called native title.
On 21 January 1992, Mabo died of cancer at the age of 56.

The Australian newspaper elected Edward Mabo as Australian of the Year on the 26th of January in 1993.

Conscientious

2011-08-03T09:11:00.002+10:00

I am not sure if I actively promoted conscientiousness in my children or they are born that way.
We, as a family have always talked about history and what mistakes were made in the past and what we could learn from history.
My youngest came home yesterday and told me that I need to go to her school and see her teacher.
Now, before I go any further, I must write a few things about her.
She is 9 years old, my little baby ( proof that mothers' and their youngest child shares a very special bond), does her work well, makes good pancakes and loves all kind of animals.
According to my son, her chooks can beat the fastest runner in Olympics, simply because the chooks have learned to run as fast as their little feet can carry the moment they spot her. ( She loves them so much that, she practically carries them around, tie a bonnet on them when it raines etc !!)
So it was a bit terrifying when I was told that I must go to the school and meet the teacher.
What did you do? I asked her
she replied..The teacher was talking about Eskimos and she got up to tell the teacher that the correct term is Inuit and a lot of people in N. America considers the word Eskimo derogatory.

I spend all of last night reading various articles and dictionaries to see the origin of the word Eskimo. There is a huge controversy.
According to my daughter, she learned in her school in Canada that the name Eskimo is derogatory. She has refused to write the word as well and wrote Inuit in her work book.
I don't know what to do.
How can I go to the school and tell the teacher the word Eskimo is considered derogatory when I don't know the how and why?
Even worst is telling a child, who refused to speak about traditional Aussie heroes ( her teacher's list had Charles Kingsford Smith, Dr. John Flynn, Donald Bradman etc) and chose to speak about Eddie Mabo that perhaps she should back down a bit ??

Jathya gunam

2011-08-01T15:28:00.002+10:00

Jathyagunam thoothal povoolla..
I think that was Amma' favourite quote.. Anytime I did something, she found a link to my father, his mother and their village and even the village dog. She would shake head and mutter jathyagunam thoothal povoolla and she succeeded in making me feel inadequate.
May be it was from such strong feelings of inadequacy that my need to ensure that my children don't go though such feelings arose.
All was well till last night.
Yaya was laying down in my bed, reading her book. I was working on a business plan and was sitting down on my bed. Baby came with her book and I moved a bit to my left, so baby can lay down on the right. Yaya was still on the middle of the bed with all the space on her right.Soon my son came with his book. There was no space for him on my right, so I asked Yaya to move a bit. ( there was enough place to play football !!!!!) She refused. Her reasoning..
She came first, so she has a right to comfort and space..
The thing is..I remember as a 7 year old begging my oldest sister to switch off the light, cause I was having fever and a bad headache..But she said, it was a free country and she will switch off the light when she is ready. My sister couldn't go to the living room to read, but expected me to go and lay down on the sofa, if I was that desperate to sleep.
This wasn't the first time I saw chechy in Yaya.
When we go out for a meal, the younger two and I often order the cheapest meals..Yaya would only order the most expensive dish.
If she wants something, she would be very sweet and nice.. the moment she gets it..she is back to the usual self..
Yaya is a wonderful child..but I am beginning to get scared..I think she is morphing to be like my oldest sister.

Apple and the tree part 2

2011-07-27T18:35:00.002+10:00

I received this as an email from my son requesting me to excuse him from his religious education class.

Religious education is extremely boring, all we ever do is sit around listening to our really boring teacher talk about how god created the world and about the whole bible (last term we went through the whole old testament bible and this term we are doing the new testament) in her funny accent (no offence to her).

Why I don't believe in god:

If god were real, then why would there be sin on this planet? why would he "let us" do what we want? If he was real then why would he not prove it by coming down to earth and showing himself instead of letting millions of people die due to what they believe in? What is the point of creating us when we are going to die one way or the other? If god or Jesus were actually real (or any of the gods) then why not prove it instead of leaving it to an old book that we don't even know who actually wrote? And why did "Jesus" only come down to earth about a gazillion years ago? why cant he just show himself and let all the people see that he actually exists instead of letting people kill each other because one of them doesn't believe in him.

What I would do in my time instead of religious education:

I would go learn about something that we know actually exists in this world either on the computer or from a book or I would get on with my school work or any catch up work that i have not done. Instead of wasting time listening to someone go on about something that we don't even know exists, i could learn about something that would actually help me get on with life and actually gain some knowledge about real life issues.

Mom, Please excuse me from Religious education because of these reasons.

signed

Ps: I love you :)

Forced adoptions

2011-07-25T11:02:00.002+10:00

I was reading this article today and remembered something and thought I would write about it.

I am an anti abortionist ( except rape/mother's health clause ).
I worked as an intern in a Catholic hospital in Bangalore.
There is a general ward where we admitted women with placenta previa or other complications to monitor them. Every now and then there would be a young girl, in her last trimester, admitted bypassing the normal procedures of visiting the OPD and going for the scans etc.

The nuns were very secretive. The patient had been forewarned not to talk to anyone, including the Doctors. Everything was hushed.
The girl was taken care of by the nuns, food was free and no hopital charges. She gives birth and leaves the hospital..alone..sans her baby.
And one more feather added in the indian hat for saving the life of an unborn child.
So I thought..
But I also knew the truth..

Unmarried teenage pregnancy+ social stigma=kind hearted catholic nuns + a place to stay = new born health 'unwanted' baby =money from international adoption = happy international families + even happier nuns with money.
The only loser in the equation was the mother of the child. I have often wondered if she was given any choice at all? ( I know for sure that, she wasn't even allowed to look at her child after the delivery, to prevent any attachment to the baby)

12:54

2011-07-19T00:54:00.002+10:00

That is the time on my clock.

My youngest is sleeping next to me.
She laughs ( really) in her sleep. it has often puzzled me to watch her laugh in her sleep. My mother used to say, children smile in their sleep when they see angels and I wonder what my child is seeing that is making her laugh !!

I am tempted to get up and turn off the fan in Yaya's room. It is 7 degrees outside! but the thought that I am turning out to be like my mother prevents me..

I am sure my son must have dozed off while reading his book and I really should get up and remove his spectacles..

I know the fire must have died out in the fireplace and perhaps I should get up and add another piece of wood.
Somewhere in the distance I can hear a bike..i think it is the same rider who rides past my house each night.
I often wonder what job he does that he comes home at mid night. I also wonder how come I never hear him going to work..

I am reading "the space between us" by Thrity Umrigar..
She has written..the secret of loneliness, how to live with it, how to wrap it around your body and still be able to make beautiful, colourful things..
I am lonely
and I am tired of making beautiful, colourful things..

Idiot

2011-07-18T08:01:00.002+10:00

That is me
Is it any wonder that I am forever in this trap??
If only I could stop caring and be like everyone else..
My problem is, I put myself in other people's shoes all the time.
If I am late, I call my family and let them know, so they won't worry, cause I have known how it feels to wait.
Even when I am tired, I make sure everyone is fed, cause I have known what is hunger.
I care.
I always put everyone else before me and myself last.
I know my life will be a lot better, if I can just be a little selfish and start putting the 'me' first.
But I just can't
And I know
I am an idiot.

2011-07-16T23:06:00.002+10:00

I have never met you.
Yet you are the proof that one doesn't need to meet face to face to have a beautiful friendship.
I don't call you
I don't write to you
Yet, it is true that I know you will be there when I need someone.
You are my best friend
And I want to wish you
a life filled with joy, peace, happiness and good health
Happy Birthday Nilu

One child, two child...

2011-07-06T10:08:00.002+10:00

This is my take on why a child should have a sibling!!

Before I begin, I must say, I have two sisters in the same geographic region and I haven't seen either of them for over a year. Another sister regularly visits Australia and I haven't seen her for almost 7 years.
So then why do I say children need siblings?
Siblings teach you the most important lesson in life..they teach you to accept that "life is not fair"
Once you learn that simple lesson, you then figure out the ways and means to work around the system. Cousins and friends don't teach you that lesson in a similar way, because at the end of the day, they go to their own home and you can't relate to them the way you relate to a brother or sister.
Siblings teach you to share.
Every child needs to learn to live as part of a cohesive unit called family and sharing is an intrinsic part of the cohesive unit. You may not want to share your room, but if the family has four kids and three bedrooms, you will end up sharing. Which also teach you to respect hierarchy..is, the older ones get priority and you wait for them to go to University, so you can take the room, cupboard etc!!
Siblings teach you to fight.
You will learn that, only the strongest and the smartest survive. So you fight for what ever that you think needs to be fought. You don't give up, cause if you do, the next strong person will get whatever you were hoping to get. Fighting with an equal partner in the unit called family makes you understand that there will always be a winner ( and a loser!)
Every child needs to understand what it feels to lose a game/or whatever. That creates your character. How not to be a sore loser!

Siblings teach you to use second hand stuff..Having a sibling makes a child understand that you are not entitled to everything and it is ok to use the textbook your sister used 7 years ago, even though everyone in your class has a brand new text book.. You learn to give importance to what actually matters..having a text book( however old) is more important that not having one.

Siblings makes you watch a TV program you really didn't want to see. Again, it makes you accept that you may have missed that important episode in Buniyad, but it was your sister's turn to hold the remote control and if she wanted to watch an NBA basketball game, you will just have to agree to it. It teaches you that life is not about missing a TV program..there is much more to life than Buniyad.

Siblings teach you how it feels to betrayed when they snitch on you and get you in to big trouble at home or at school. It is better that every child learn that lesson at home, cause when it happens outside your home..you will be able to cope with it.

But having said all that, I have had a lot of good times with my sisters. We shared the good times and the bad times, we shared the laughter and tears..
I don't deny that my sisters made me a cynic, but deep in my heart I know if I need help, all I need is to call my sisters and they will be there.. even though we never see eye to eye and never will..But that is what siblings are for..they will be there when you need them

Immunity

2011-06-30T09:18:00.002+10:00

Years ago, One of my juniors in the medical college was arrested for arson and the fact that he is an American Born Indian made it all the more interesting for the Bangalore police, who decided to lock him up!
His mother arrived from US few days later to plead for her son's release.
She went straight to the Director General of Police and told him
"I have taught my son the Upanishads by the time my son was 7 years old and have raised him well. I go to temple every day and I can guarantee that my son would never do anything that is against the law"

Yesterday my son's best friend got suspended from a school run program for brighter kids cause he said something inappropriate to another kid.
According to his mother
"My son doesn't even know such inappropriate words, I go to church every Wednesday and Sunday and I know for sure my son is innocent"

Neither the mothers asked their son if they were guilty of the offense. They assumed their sons are innocent because they are religious.
In the first case, the guy set fire to few more hotel rooms before the Indian govt cancelled his visa!
In the second case, the boy walks around the school, boasting to everyone that his mother believes in him and will always bail him out.

13

2011-06-22T09:35:00.002+10:00

My baby will be 13 in a few days.
Where has the 13 years gone?
From a scrawny little baby who weighed 2.7 kg at birth to a beautiful girl on her way to become a beautiful woman..
This morning you asked me if I would make you a cup of earl grey tea as I made mine.
From the child who never drank a drop of water in the first year to the child who only drank strawberry flavoured Nutrigen as a toddler to a teenager who likes to drink earl grey tea.. How much you have changed!!
When you were little, you wouldn't eat a cookie if it wasn't in perfect shape ( trust me, it took all my skills to make perfectly round white chocolate cookies you loved).
You also wouldn't go any where if your hair was not tied properly. ( it was proper to my eyes and not so in your eyes and we used to argue so much about it and I still ended up redoing it, cause you were stubborn enough not to leave the house till it was done to your liking!)
Your room was always tidy. Your stuff always kept where it should be kept..

And now..
you bake cookies and tell me that home made cookies have a character when they are not perfectly shaped!!
It is a miracle that until now none of us have stepped on your hand phone, ipod, your pencil case, lunch box etc that you always leave on the living room carpet!
Your room..I hung the bead curtain, so I do not have to see the mess in your room. it has come to a stage that I am forced to invite one of your friends to come for a sleepover to get you to clean your room. ( Yup, I am smart!!)
and your hair..each time I ask you to comb your hair you tell me..it is just hair ..who cares if I have combed it or not..

I love it when you come and lay down next to me in the evening and read. ( I hate it when you hog my blanket and my pillow) I love it when you get me books from your library.
I do wake up before you in the morning and wait for you to come to my room to wake me up, cause I know you will snuggle next to me for few mints..I cherish those moments.
I am still trying to figure out how do I end up buying clothes for you when we have gone to the mall to look for work clothes for me!!
I was amazed to learn how much you know, when you explained to me why Marijuana is better than Ecstasy as a choice of drug..
I loved your passion when you argued why cage eggs should be banned in Australia.

I asked you what you want for your birthday and you said you wanted an ipod touch..
You know very well that I won't buy you an ipod touch, cause you already have a 32 gig Ipod nano and I think that is good enough,
So for your birthday, I am giving you something unusual.
I got you a bank account and a debit card. I have deposited 500$ for you.
You can use your card and spend the money however you want..
there is a catch though. ( yup, there is always a catch.. Did you really think that I would give you 500 bucks without a catch??)
Each year, from now till your 18th birthday, I will add whatever is the balance in your account to a maximum of 500$ every birthday.
ie, if you have not touched a penny, I will deposit 500$
If you spend all your money.. you get nothing ( So no gifts till your 18th birthday !!)
If you spend 100, I will add 400.
And knowing that you are my child and have inherited my cheekiness, you might think of not touching the money in year 1 and spend 500 in year 2, cause there is still 500 in the account. It won't work. We will be working on year to year basis and not on cumulative basis.
So at the end, if you haven't spend any money on your 18th birthday you will have 3000$ ..and you dad has agreed to match a dollar for a dollar on your 18th birthday.
Knowing how you like to spend money..Will you??
Time will tell..
Happy Birthday Yaya..
I know life isn't a bed of roses as a teenager.. what with a mom who never understands.. ( I had a very similar mother, so trust me, I know !!)
You will have your share of heartbreaks, lousy friends, mean friends, annoying friends and totally annoying family..
All I want to tell you is that, I will always be there for you..ALWAYS.
I may not agree with you, I may scream at you, I may not let you do what you want to do.. but even when the whole world turns against you.. I will be there..for you.
You are and you will always be my darling..remember that always,

You can run, but you can't hide !!

2011-06-15T17:25:00.002+10:00

Ok, now that is the truth..
It is going to be year since I saw/spoke/heard from my mother.
To be honest, I have no idea where she is..
I will have to contact one of my sisters to find out where is my mother staying now..
Truth be told.. the last one year of living without my mother was pure bliss..
I didn't have to do anything to get her attention
I didn't have to do anything to please her.
I didn't have to worry about her trying to humiliate me
I lived with no guilty feelings..
Yet this morning I woke up thinking about her, wondering if she is ok..
Soon I know I will call her..
She probably knows that as well..
I wonder what is this connection a mother has with her children.. that how much ever you hate her..you still miss her and you hate yourself for your inability to walk away from someone who brings nothing but misery.

Electric Blue

2011-06-11T23:06:00.002+10:00

This morning Yaya came to me and told me she wants to colour her hair and she has decided that the colour is going to be electric blue..
Before I continue explaining what happened after such a daring revelation, let me take you to a trip down memory lane.
The year was 1988
It was the night of the grammy awards live telecast and the camera showed this American girl with a huge Mohawk.. she probably had all the vibrant colours you could think of on her hair. I thought it was so cool and did the most dumbest thing I could ever do.
I told my mother who was sitting next to me and watching TV that I wish I could colour my hair like that. ( notice the key word here..wish) I didn't want the Mohawk.. just the colours!!
What happened next was something unbelievable..
She cursed
She swore
She blamed my dad, my grandmother and everyone in their village..
She told me I was a failure because instead of studying, I wanted to colour my hair..
What will 4 people say? she asked me.
How could I give birth to such a monster, she banged her chest and wailed.
She then pointed her finger at my two youngest sisters and told them, don't you dare learn such bad habits from your idiotic sister!
ninakku vere thozhil onnum illa..ninte appante veettil ellarkkum vatta, ninakkum vattu kitti enna enikku thonnunne.. She told me.
At the end, I was so angry with her.
It wasn't that I was going to colour my hair.( I didn't have the guts). But I hated my mother for not understanding the key word in that conversation. I was a teenager and all I said was " I wish"..it didn't meant that I was planning to do it. and even if I did colour my hair, it wasn't the end of the world. It was just hair!! not like getting myself a permanent Tattoo that I said I love my Naga !!!

But saying all that, I have to tell you in all honesty that I wasn't expecting Yaya to tell me that she wanted to colour her hair..
I looked at her and imagined meeting her school principal and trying to explain my child's choice of hair colour !!
I wondered if she is serious about colouring her hair?
I was tempted to tell her, you are too young.. ( and you my readers will know what she would say had I said that!)
I thought, if you can't beat them, you might as well join
So I told her..
Good Idea Yaya, But I think you should add a bit of red streaks..red and blue, may be a bit of white too..like the Union Jack....It will look good !!
She gave me ' that' look..
Probably it meant that, she didn't succeed riling me up this time..but she will try again..
I wait..each day..fingers and toes crossed..

Help please

2011-06-09T21:08:00.002+10:00

Can someone please tell me where I can get a .com.au domain registered?
I tried go daddy and google, both don't seem to have the .com.au
I noticed that there are various options available when I did a domain registration search.
Is there anything I need to be wary of?
Thanks
S

Thanikku thanum...

2011-06-01T09:51:00.005+10:00

Thanikku Thanum, Purakku thoonum.. ( loosely translated it means the house always has the pillars for support and you will always (only) have yourself.)
It was my oldest sister's favourite quote.
Anytime my sister asked for something from us and didn't get it, she would mutter thanikku thanum purakku thoonum

Each time she said that, I felt so guilty. I felt, I failed her by not doing whatever she asked for and end up doing it for her. ( it could be as simple as going to ladies corner shop to buy shampoo for her, when she could do it herself but chose not to, because she was lazy!)

I hated that quote. ( Mostly because I was very much aware that my sister used the quote to manipulate me and I couldn't help being manipulated!!)
But lately I have been thinking of that quote.
It is one of the greatest truths on earth.
You will always have only you for support.

Fools like me keep hoping for a miracle, for that hand to hold to face the storms the sea of life is bend up on throwing on your face.
But the truth fools like me need to learn is that there is no one out there to hold your hand..
All that you really have is yourself.

Here I am, on my own, with three kids.
aarum cheetha vilikkanilla
aarum karyippikkan illa
I have me and the kids have me.

Amma used to say for everything in life you must have thaley vara venam
I guess, being loved, being cherished, to have someone to hold and love is not written in my thala.
And I guess, it is futile trying to fight for something that is not in your destiny.
I stopped trying.

Today, I became an Australian permanent resident..
It is supposed to be a joyous occasion..but all I right now have is a house of dreams built on bloody sands of hope.

Tough !!

2011-05-26T09:16:00.002+10:00

Let us rewind a bit here..
My cousin in US send her 2 month old daughter to India to be raised by her parents. She was busy working as a doctor and felt her parents would do a good job of raising her daughter. After all her parents did a great job raising her.
I argued with her forever,because i believed that it is the responsibility of the parents to raise their children. Grandparents have done their job when their children left their home. It is unfair to ask them to take your role. It is unfair for the child as well.
Now here is the problem.
In all likelihood, I will be posted to a very remote area for a year.
Schooling of my kids is going to be a big issue.
I will have to send my children to a boarding school,
I know a lot of kids stay in Boarding schools. Life as a boarder does have its own benefits. ( D, Shut up, I can see you nodding your head)
so this is my question to those parents who have send their kids to boarding schools
How do you cope with the knowledge that you have given the responsibility of raising your children to a total stranger?
To the kids who have stayed in boarding school
How did you cope living without the one person who love you the most in the whole world?

letting go

2011-05-21T14:26:00.002+10:00

Hardest job as a mother is to draw that line that divides my pedantic attitude and my children's confidence.

Few years ago, I was talking to my son's grade 1 teacher and mentioned to her that my son spells some common words wrong. I tried to correct his mistake so many times and failed and was hoping that his teacher would help me.

she said to me, Children learn by making a mistake !

I tried to get her to understand that my son hasn't learned from his mistakes and is continuing to make the same mistake over and over.

She then told me, all my son needs is time. Eventually he will learn and I must give him time.

I walked out of the classroom, feeling absolutely annoyed. All I wanted was a little help from the teacher to help my son learn correct spelling. All I got from her was a lecture. I felt she was just not bothered to do her work and was wasting my child's valuable time.

But as I was walking back home, I kept thinking about her comment that children learn by making mistakes.

How many times my son had to fall off the bicycles before he leaned to cycle?

A part of me had to agree that the teacher was right. But the other part of me, the mother who is a perfectionist couldn't just stand and watch my kids making a mistake, let alone repeating the mistakes!

So most of the time I tried to fix the mistakes

Including trying to teach Yaya to cook. It was a disaster !. All she wanted was to learn to cook stir fry. She wanted to do it from scratch. Washed the vege, cut the vege, heat the oil and put the vege in the hot oil. I forgot to tell her that if there is water on the cutting board from the vege, she ought to be careful when she put the vege ( and the water) in to the hot oil !!!

I was angry with her because she wasn't careful

She was angry with me because I didn't tell her that water and hot oil don't mix !!

She never entered the kitchen.

That was4 years ago.

Today I had a meeting in the morning and I came back home to find a tray of melt in the mouth muffins on the table.

Yaya baked it.

Without any help from me

Two things I learned today

1. I am the lousiest teacher on planet earth

2. Children do learn by making mistakes and that eventually they will learn to do it right. All it needs is time.

As for correcting the spelling mistakes.. I stopped trying..

I knew !!!

2011-05-12T22:20:00.000+10:00

I always knew
at the back of my mind that it was going to happen. Kids kind of inherit parental ideologies!
I was so glad when Yaya told me that she never wanted to watch circus, because she was concerned with the way they transport the animals from place to place
I went to bed thinking that perhaps I was actually doing a good job bringing up my children.
( I never took my children to the zoo because I didn't agree to keeping animals in a confined space, but I never objected if amma or my sister's wanted to take my kids to the zoo, because in some twisted logic, I felt I must not impose my value system on to my kids!!)
So happily I lived in my cloud castle and this evening my son told me he got in to trouble at school.
I refused to give him the permission to avoid the Religious Education class. Not because I believe in any religion, but because I want my son to make an informed decision when it comes to his faith.
All he was asked to do was to write his name on the piece of paper..
he wrote
"it is against my religious belief to answer that question" Probably too much of Calvin and Hobbes,
So another visit to the school !!! Perhaps I should tell the school authorities that it is against my religious belief to meet the class teacher!

apple and the tree

2011-05-11T22:11:00.002+10:00

I came home at 8 pm tonite after doing a federal budget analysis for the board regarding the new funding arrangements and I was exhausted.
I was hoping to warm up something from the freezer for dinner.
Then my son came to me holding my treasured Indian recipe book. he opened up the book and showed me the recipe for kerala fish curry and said
"mom, can you make some spicy fish curry for dinner?"

(They say apple doesn't fall too far from the tree...how true)

Cook fish curry on a weekday..after 14 hours of work?
I wanted to tell him that I will make fish curry for him on Saturday.
I should have
I couldn't
So I made fish curry.
Then I realized Yaya likes fish curry and moru
so I made moru
then I noticed that there is no vege, so to make it a balanced meal, I made spinach thoran,

Right now, I am so exhausted and I have no one but me to blame.

From Toothless

2011-05-08T15:09:00.001+10:00

From Toothless

2011-05-08T15:07:00.000+10:00

From baby

2011-05-08T15:05:00.000+10:00

From Yaya

2011-05-08T15:03:00.000+10:00

From Yaya

2011-05-08T14:45:00.000+10:00

Mother's day

2011-05-08T06:51:00.002+10:00

Time to reflect how i fare as a mother.
I know I am an awesome mom ( my kids say that). But I also know my flaws.

First in the list is my temper.
I walk holding an AK57 at all times. I shoot first and then think.
Often I end up apologizing to the kids after screaming at them.
I would have loved to be able to think before I act.
I do try
But it never worked..

Then in the list is my need to drive fast.
I never do it when the kids are in the car.
I know if anything happens to me, my kids will suffer and the sensible thing to do is to drive at the posted speed limit. But I just love the thrill of driving fast.

I am pedantic when it comes to cleaning the house. I do have my days when I let things go. But then I get in to this mood and drive everyone nuts, till my house is cleaned and things are kept back to where they belong.

If I like the book I am reading and want to finish it, I ignore the kids completely..including making their dinner. I ask them to make a sandwich or cook noodles.

I hate to play monopoly and try to weasel out with any possible excuse.
I am also extremely competitive and that means I love playng scrabble with the kids!!!

I am sarcastic to the core and it has now come to a point where my son would ask me to respond sans sarcasm!!

I am a procrastinator by birth and often forgets to pay the fees for various activities at the school and end up doing a last minute rush to the school.

I recycle every scrap of paper and often recycle the permission forms kids bring home to get my signature.

I expect an A for all school projects. My logic is that, a project is something you have full control of, enough time to do and if you do it well, you should get an A. Unlike a class test, where a lot of variables are involved. My kids never see the end of it if they did get a B !!

If the kids have to stay back home due to sickness, I force them to lay down on the bed all day and won't let them watch telly or play games. Sickness equals to full rest. In other words, I bore them to death, so unless they are absolutely sick, they never want to stay back home.

I know I am a horrible mom. there I said it.

Happy mother's day.

Such is life

2011-05-05T21:41:00.002+10:00

Ah! the joy of being a lousy mother.

The most basic thing a parent must provide a child is a good education. And that according to my family and friends means Private school education.

Yaya did go to a private school when we were living in KL.
The reason she was send to the private school was considering the choices sending her to a Chinese school, Govt school or the private school, I felt the private school was a better option. I thought she would get more attention compared to the govt school and less home work compared to the Chinese school. The fees was affordable.

In Canada, kids attended an inner city school. I used to send an extra sandwich with Yaya for one of her classmate who never brought lunch !
Eventually the school started a lunch program ( 100% subsidized)

I always believed that schools don't influence the career outcome of an individual.
Bernard Shaw once said If it did, I never would have reached where I am now. I attended a very normal school. I studied in malayalam medium. didn't know a word of English till I was 14.I was classified as a good for nothing idiot by most of my class teachers. My mother had to literally beg the teachers to give me grace marks, so I won't be held back..and I became a doctor. I did my master's degree in England. I scored 8.5 for the IELTS ( did you hear the trumpets being blown??)

So happily I send my children to normal schools.
This morning during a routine staff meeting one of the GP's very casually asked me which school my kids go to. And there was this pin drop silence the moment I said the name of the school.
Everyone stared at me as though I just landed here from Mars.
The first question I was asked was
"why?"
"Why in the world do I send my kids to public school?"
Then I was given the merits of sending children to private school. Basically my children now has far less chance to go to university because their mother didn't love them enough to send them to a proper school. Apparently even the practice manager sends her children to a private school !!
I thought of telling them that my children will be whatever they want to be in their life, because their mother taught them to believe in themselves.
The truth is that, I am responsible for the choices I made..
Did I screw up?
Time will tell..